Moving can be one of those situations that puts a person into depression. It is one of those life stressors. The accompanying changes can leave a person feeling very vulnerable. It was a move in 2007 that plummeted me into the depths of my depression that finally got it diagnosed. This move took me to a new country and cut me off from physical contact with my family of origin. For quite a while I didn't have internet access either. I had 2 young children was expecting my third. My husband was studying and also had several extended trips.

I don't do well with pregnancy anyway and the extra harmones didn't help with the deepening depression. I was home bound by weather and cramping and exhaustion. It was too much to get me and the kids out for more then the necessary shopping. With no car I had to do the shopping at the local supermarket and a double stroller. By time we came home (my snail pace pushing of the stroller) I was further exhausted and had to rest the next day or two to keep the cramping down. As far as my energy was concerned and stress levels of shopping with kids, I would have much rather my husband do the shopping, but then I literally would never go outside (not good for mine or the kids health or sanity) and the shops closed before he was done with classes at school.

Luckily a friend from church helped me with the big shopping once a week. It was the one day I left the kids with Daniel and went out spent a car ride with her and her two girls and went grocery shopping at the stretch your budget store. That blessed us financially, gave me my only weekly out and also some social interaction. In a very large way she was my silver lining to the difficulties I experienced there. But there were more. All of them in answer to prayer. Current and past prayers. Most of them were connected to church. Things people said or did. I could have easily sunk but they were a life line at times, or a little floater that helped me when I couldn't even tread water.

Get past the shakes

I have often thought of an experience that I had in Jr high. We had to have physical strength test. Boys were tested on the number of pullups. Since very few girls could muster even one, we had what was called the flexed arm hang. We were tested on how long those same muscles could endure holding our chin above a bar as the weight of our own body tried to pull us down. We wanted to make the minimum requirement, but it was even greater if one thought they might have a chance at the class record. I remember our gymn teachers encouraging us on. They knew from experience that our bodies would get tired and it would just get harder. But for those who were determined to make a goal they helpd us as they could. They called out encouragment to each of us as we took our turn. For those who kept holding on past the minimum and the initial this is intense feelings we soon met another challenge. As we continued to hold on our arms started shaking. Now it was a test to see if we could keep our chin up while our arms shook our whole body. Our teachers called out to us, hang on. You can do it. You just have to get past the shakes. If you could hold on through the shaking there would come a point when your body would find a new determination and lock into holding on. And one could hold on surprisingly long.


I don't remember any of my times but I remember those shakes. I don't think I ever really held on long after the shakes. Did I even get past them? I am not sure. But it has been a vivid analogy for me with my struggles in life. Just like I had to take the test every year, the trials are not one time and if I endure to the shakes, they can really test my ability to hang on to my goal. But often in my mind I hear a refrain from my teachers. Hang on. You can do it. You just have to get through the shakes. And I try to keep my chin up. It has helped me many times when I was sure I couldn't endure.

Some time in there I got a little hand out at church. There was a rope glued to an index card. At the end of the rope there not with a bear glued holding on just above the not. The text on the card was, 'when you are at the end of your rope tie a not.' When I saw that I knew instinctively that it still wouldn't be easy to hold on. It would still take work. And it made me think of my gymn teachers words, 'just get past the shakes.'

That is a prayer worth having. Help me to get past the shakes. Don't let the weight of the situation pull me down.

It is a prayer I have now. My current struggles are up and down like many people. I can fluctuate between the highs and the lows. But how do I do when I am struggling? Past patterns and habbits can creep in fast. 'You should be... doing, feeling, being....' self doubt, etc. The cognitive thinking counseling I recieved 4 years ago helps I can remember to call it the 'tyranny of the shoulds' and fight it. But sometimes I find it hard to feel like I can endure. I am not sure if I am at the shakes in those moments or not...all I know is how I feel then so I have to remind myself of the goal and tap into the memory of why trying to hear the call, Hang in there. You can do it. just get past the shakes.

This is the day which the Lord hath made

I wrote this a year ago. Maybe there is worth putting it up now.

Psalms 118:24

I have loved the scripture for years. It is kind of a rallying call for myself to recognize God's hand in each day and hold to a positive attitude.

My husband was a bit discouraged this morning. We were supposed to work on our renovation of the living room in our new house. He got up, as planned, to put our oldest on the bus to school. I have caught the cold that the girls had and needed to sleep a bit longer. Then he went shopping for milk, bread, eggs. He took two kids while I fed the baby, ate breakfast, and showered. When he got home there was little time left to work and he couldn't find the measuring tape. We have to have it to measure how high the wall is. Since it is an old house it isn't the same even along the length of one piece of sheet rock so we have to measure and cut each piece differently.

My husband suggested we all kneel for a family prayer. I remembered this scripture and felt to pray for help to recognize the Lord's hand today, even with the things that weren't going right. In the prayer I explained the things that were hard for us right then and how it would be easy to be upset and asked for help to enjoy the day he has given us. My husband thanked me for the prayer and said that was just what he needed. I needed that prayer just as much as him. A couple of poopu diapers, starting the laundry and trying to start the fire in the wood burning water heater took up the rest of the time we had. As he was soon gettting ready to head out the door I became sad. My throat still hurt, but the sun was shining! After a few days of windy rain overcast weather I wanted to go work out in the yard. We still needed to mow half our property. And I want to pick the apples before they all become windfall. And I really want to get rid of some seed weeds before it spreads and prune the pit trees (that is what I would like to work on most but then I need clippers. and I can't find the ones I had in our kitchen in our apartment.) How can these things get done even with the sun since it is windy! 2 of the kids are sick! After he left I finally got past myself and started to work. I decided to forget about the stove till tonight. We have enough hot water for the day, and I don't want to spend as much time with it today. I will just fill more frustrated and dumb. (I thought I had it figured out and was getting it going with one match last week... now I find I am trying 4 and 5 times before it finally stays after I have left it.)

What's in my head?

I got hard family news today of dear ones who are struggling. I have been migrain susceptible all week and after the second long conversation today, my head is pounding. The computer isn't the best place for me, but I am waiting. Soon we are supposed to have a date that I am not sure I am up to. 2 kids left to get in bed. After shopping today I just sat in the car for like 10 minutes. Thinking. Praying. Not wanting to leave the quiet.

One year tomorrow

One year tomorrow my mother passed away. My dad asked me if that was affecting me. I don't know. I know that I have been struggling more lately but I haven't connected it to that. It was a great summer but hard to say good bye when the last of the family visitors went home. And I have been working hard and I have had muscel problems and migraines. All in all I am tired and miss my family. Is there an under current of missing mom as well? Of course. But I think it is mostly tiredness. So I will stop and help clean up the kitchen so we actually get to bed on time for me to get sleep before getting up to get my child to school.

Im back

I'm back on the medicine. I talked with the doctor on the phone Monday. He put me back on and with the original dose. I feel a mixture of sadness and of relief. I so wanted to be done with it, with depression. I also don't like having to pay for the medicine. But at least now I know I can do the talking with the doctor on the phone. That saves me money. :) and crazy as it seems for one who doen't like talking to most people on the phone (exception is family and close friends) especially not business and not in swedish.... I preffered that. I hope that I will feel more stable. I could accept my new calling as seminary teacher with faith because I have hope that in the coming weeks my capabilities will be expanded as the medicine takes effect. Me right now... well I probably am not up to it. But I have a little time as we decide how to approach it. THere hasn't been a teacher here so we need to determine a bunch of things. So I said yes hoping I won't feel overwhelmed. Eventhough that was my initial. I went in thinking, the stake president wants to talk to both of us, maybe he wants to get an idea how are family is doing. I thought.... along those lines because it was a hard week. Very little time for my husband to be home. A lot of church stuff, both planned on and not. And the car was parked in the driveway, waiting for parts. It still needs work. But we are driving it again. Anyway, I am back, on the medicine, admitting I have depression, I am on the up. I have faith. I have hope. I have love.

The tyrrany of the shoulds

That is what my counselor 3 years ago called it. I feel it right now. I should go shower so that my hair can dry while I clean up so I can go to bed. I think I would hang it all.... but.... Our goal to clean up in the kitchen has been going so well. I don't want to ruin it. If I don't do it Daniel will finish it up when he gets home from the night ferry followed by a bus driver with a heavy load that he and a church member from the main land are carrying. Others were going to be coming and driving... so bringing the stuff for the church wouldn't have been an issue. But today, we learned it all changed. And we will have this member sleep here. A little more pressure. And it is return from daylights savings so we will lose more sleep and I was already tired. So then I was going to skip the shower. But my third child who had been crying for 2 hours before she went to sleep had moved to my bed. She woke up crying just as I finished the bedtime routine with the last of the other 3 kids. (I did #3 first cause she was so tired she couldn't handle anything.) Anyway she woke up crying so I went in there to see what was up still and she had peed on our bed. So I have to chang the sheets. And if I don't shower after a long week of hard work, and no showering (due to bathroom renovation upstairs and cold basement where the tub is so I don't want to shower at night ever... but the day time opportunities have all been stolen by needy kids. I can't do it unless the situation is just right or else I have fighting kids, or a baby who is scooting all over looking for me, crying, eating shoes and what not). So I am gross. I don't want to change sheets just to make them filthy again. And I know tomorrow morning is going to be tight and hard with the hour changes, the company (so hubby can't just go to his meeting leaving us hear with this other man)... besides I also realized during the phone call when I learned of the change that I had totally forgotten to prepare the lesson for Young Women's tomorrow. I haven't had a chance to do that since realizing it. Dinner prep, feeding kids, putting them to bed and remember the crying #3 well even after her accident she just wanted me to hold her. So I did. while doing that I did a quick read through. Now I should start the batch of peed on cloths, shower so I can clean the kitchen and get the front room so our guest (don't even know his name, just that it is a member of the Stake Young Men's Presidency. We have been praying for stake leaders in the youth organization to come.) And tomorrow while we are at the church way early and our kids are going crazy, maybe I will be able to do a better job preparing. And get the music up for the sacrament meeting.
I just want to stay home in bed. and cry. It is too much. I yelled (a lot) at my kids tonight. Pour little #3. She is so sad and just wants me to hold her. But I can't when she is crying and I have to put others to bed. And I am sure that her distress is what added to her accident. She doesn't do that usually. ANd i yelled at her for it. I prayed for what I have. I wanted a large family. I wanted to be a missionary all my life. Well our branch of 16 attendance every Sunday probably puts me in that situation better than anything else. But I am failing. I am in no way as good as Emma Smith. She endured till her husbands death. And even then who am I to say what is and isn't enduring. At the end of the movie about her her daughter asks, "If you would change anything, what would it be?" Her answer: "I would change me."
Can't I change me now? Before I ruin myself and thus my family. My husband is so good and believes in me. But I don't see why. Tonight I want to pray that the young woman won't come tomorrow. But I have been praying that she will become active again for so long. How can I think this way? And I think, well things are hard. Maybe I and #3 should stay home. She still has her cough. That means baby stays too. Even though I am so tired and just want to sleep I won't get the rest. No one at church to corral the other two. My husband is branch president. Now how can I think this way. Even with the kids being sick, there seems to be little help in staying home and then our numbers are down at church. Everyone is praying for good numbers this month, because we want a new local. I keep telling people that the Lord knows what he is doing so if he keeps letting our few active members get sick, he will take care of it in his way. So far we have pushed on in going... I want to say hang the numbers. Maybe I will. but I don't want to be home with a bunch of sick kids either. It isn't any better for me. THen I just feel selfish. I am only thinking about me. I should be able to tap into the power and strength of the atonement. But right now all I hear is #3 who started crying again. All I see is my messy house. All I feel is tiredness, sadness, shame.
Who am I? I say here I am and then I want to bail out. Yet even that could pose a problem. Where too? there is no where too. Even with the hardness I love my family too much. This is just today. It hasn't been like this all week or else I would say I need to go back on the medicine. I had a blessing last Sunday. I made it to Saturday evening. Now I am crashing. She is crying. Husband is gone till midnight. She is crying. Oh why can't she stop crying. I would just lay down with her but there is too much to do including making my bed. There are no covers. Now she is coming looking for me. I want to hide. But I will go. I will try not to be selfish and speak with love. I do love her. I will try to think of her most. And I can see now nothing else matters. Our house, my own cleanliness and unpreparedness will have to stand. I will lay. Maybe I will sleep.

Listening

Listening....
Right now I am listening to samples from April Meservy's cd. Lots of thoughts flow through my mind. I got to know her through my husband. They were Media Music students at BYU. She recorded one of her songs with Daniel for an album, when we took on the task to help my sister raise the funds for her foreign exchange experience. I am glad she has her cd out. I like her music and her voice. But more important for me is I think she is a gem of a person. I am so happy she has her cd. I read some of her journal and it is so her voice. I am glad that the amazing person she is will be able to influence even more people now. www.aprilmeservy.com

tired

I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. Physically, emotionally, situationally...

I think this physical exhaustion, combined with an escalation of my oldest son's outbursts at my most hormonoly sucseptible period have led to the heavy cloud I feel right now. Its been hard been most of today, half of yesterday. Half the day before. And some evenings this last week. Not two weeks yet. And today has been the most pervasive. Tiredness definantly impacts it. There have been little things that have happened that let me know the Lord is looking out for me and guiding me to the solutions. I hope that it will lift. That it really is my hormonal cycle that is causing these longer heavier periods each day. That's how it was last month then it was gone. the next week I had my menstration period. first one since giving birth. That is a pattern. Even on medicine that time can feel really hard. So I won't give up. But I need someone to talk to. I realized that yesterday. And today. So I write here a little. Even if this isn't the way I feel all the time I do right now. Sometimes I think, isn't it enough? Then I feel guilty. Why do I have to deal with a such determined, stubborn kids? We are realizing that there is more to it then just that for our oldest and we are meeting with people who can help us. It is taking a long time, but hopefully by the end of the month they will have determined the diagnosis and we can start working on strategies for making life better for him and our family. (They suspect Aspergers but do a thourough testing and have a team of people to make sure that the right diagnosis and therefor help is given.) And hopefully those solutions won't be too overwhelming for me. I feel so stinking weak! I want to have more children. I always wanted a big family. But how can I dream of it if I don't know to help the children I have. I am afraid that I won't give the right kind of help for them. I am afraid that the other kids will also have things that need out of the ordinary parenting. How much of what they do is cause they have seen him do it or are they also showing signs of the same or other things? And I am not even an ordinary parent. They have assured me that these aren't caused by my depression but it is so hard to deal with the situations that have been arising more and more lately. I know we have a son waiting to come to our family. I hope we will be ready when the time is right. But not now. We need to get a handle on life now. I want a calm home. I want to live up to my dreams. I am tired.

Two weeks

Two weeks is the time period I give myself to evalute moods and see how I am doing with the depression. That is the time period the professional field want to hear about. It is a good bench mark, if enough depression symptoms are pervasive for longer then two weeks, the yes one has depression. So in seeing how I am doing, it is also two weeks that I look at. I have ups and downs there have been times that I wondered if I needed a higher dose of fluoxotine, but the two week measurement has helped me to know how to act.
I have been taking it since April 2008. So almost three years. Everytime I thought I was ready to go off, there were good reasons to not go off. A move, an opperation, pregnancy, winter starting, something. My husband, has helped me be reasonable in not trying it in the times when I will be naturally weekest. He has been my main counselor, since we moved from England. I haven't even had a regular doctor since moving from Malmö. When it was time to get my last perscription we both felt that I have been stable and life is stable that I could try cutting my dose in half. So when I met with a doctor. (New doctor again, because of the last move), he didn't know anything, but listened as I explained my history and why I felt it was a good time to start. So I got my half dose perscription, knowing I could call him if it wasn't working for me. two weeks. I haven't crossed the thresh hold. I will have about three or four bad days. but then its over. I could have those while on the full perscription as well.
It was almost time to renew my perscription but we were feeling that it was time to go off the fluoxotine completely. So I did. I didn't even meet with the doctor. My husband and I are monoriting things. The doctor will just agree with me anyway and I don't want to pay for a doctors visit just to have hims say ok.
So two weeks. It has been 1 1/2 weeks since I completely stopped taking it. How am I? OK. I feel like I am more susceptible to getting angry because of feeling overwhelmed with my children and their needs. But because of the cognotive behavioral counseling I recieved in England, I am much better at combating the negative thoughts that come as a result. And that stops the downward spiral into self/hate and hopelessness that I was engulfed in when I was diagnosed. So two weeks. That is what I watch. But also, my self statements. "Are they accurate?" "Are my statements to myself leading, or are they driving" Am I giving way to "the tyrrany of the SHOULDS" Do I forgive myself? And listen to Daniel.
This is my current battle.
Two weeks. I am determined to win.

arms of love

So I don't really know what to write. I have been wearing my mothers sweater all day today. I put it on this morning when I sat down to crotchet. Mom started an afghan for my baby before she (mom) died. She worked on it when she could but just got too weak to finish it. I would guess it is about 1/7 complete.
Mom remembered that I had said yellow would be a good color. She remembered that I love them to be larger so the children can keep using them even after they are no longer toddlers. So she started the yellow and white afghan it is wide. Now I have it and get to make it long.
They couldn't find more of the yellow she had used, so my sister bought me more of the same yellow. As I am extending the blanket it is evident that though the same color, the yarn is of a different batch. To me, that is a tender mercy. Now we will always know what was my mom's work and where I came in.
This time mom was trying a bit more extensive pattern than she did on my other childrens' afghans. In trying to figure it out (it is her own), I have realized that she wasn't perfectly consistent in the different sections. I think that is a sign of the effort it took her to even work on it at all. She really wanted to do it. She made sure my sister knew about it and would get it to me after her death.
On time Mom told me that she loved making the afghans for her grandbabies. She loved the warmth they provided her as she snuggled in them adding to them and thinking of them warming her grandbabies in the future.
Today I thought of my mom working on this same afghan that I now work on. The love she had for me and my baby, who probably wasn't even born the last time mom could pick up her hook. I lay the blanket accross my lap and two other children and we enjoyed its warmth as I worked on it. When my baby was awake, I dangled it above her. She grabbed it with joy. It is the right color for my little sunshine. I want to finish it soon so she can really use it. But I am grateful for the arms of love I get to wrap around me as I finish the afghan my mother started. My mother's love lives on just as she does. This afghan and her sweater are only tangible things for th knowledge I have of her and her love.

May 2009 Just prior to and just after my leg operation

I found a random notebook in my unpacking/organizing today. I felt it was worthwhile to enter for I think it was some of my very first inklings to this blog. The operation was a Monday morning.

"A story," she said,
"Everyone has one."
What is mine?

My thoughts fly as I ponder. Mine is all paradox. I never thought myself significant but I wasn't content with following the crowd. In crafts and the arts I tried to find a way to make it my own yet I always wanted to get the perfect grade.
I was small but determined. Reserved but bold. When I sang I sang out but in everyday I tried not to stand out.
I have always had a deep love for my family but was often hurt the most by things they said. While never really/rarely alone I retreated to my imagination. On one hand I was afraid - mostly of failure - but I often tried anyway. I didn't hand my friendships to anyone, but when I did it was complete.
These thoughts bring many examples to my mind. Many chapters to my story. Why does it matter? Because they are what make me me!
The foundation of my story is my faith; my belief; my core values. These encompass all my decisions, motivations and dreams.
It is how I live!
Tomorrow I will have a tumor taken out of my left leg. It sounds worse than it is. I think that is why the doctors usually call it a muscle knot in Swedish. But when I say that in English it just sounds like a tight muscle that needs to relax. Which it isn't. It's been there...... well I noticed it at least 5 months ago. They say it isn't a cancer that will spread but it looks like it might grow. Somewhere in the grey area between benign and malignant. Not exactly either. When it's out they will thoroughly study it and let me know what it was. For now I know it will come out with a margin. They don't want to leave any of the tumor cells behind. This to prevent possibilities of recurrence. I recieved a blessing today from Daniel and Brother De Souza. I was promised healing and strength to endure what i needed to to recover well and do those things I had planned on doing this summer i.e. visit my family healthily with energy.

After the blessing Brother De Souza asked how I was so calm. It's my faith. And my patriarchal blessing instills that faith. I know God's mission for me isn't over and I have been promised healing through faith. I can answer as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. I trust God will deliver me. But even if not I will continue and trust Him and His plan for me.
[handwriting is getting sloppier and fainter at times hard to decipher]
I have had my 2nd antibacterial shower. So now........... I'm waiting. Soon they will get me. I just read the rest of 1 Nehpi 15. But it is hard to focus. Mostly I am tired. I was given a tablet that will help against pain after the operation but it is probably already having effect.
So now I turn to my memorized verses Philippians 4:13 D&C 6:36 etc. And the covenants made in the temple.
"Look unto me in every thought. Doubt not; fear not." D&C 6:36

Peace.

[some time post operation]
I'm still at the hospital. I have low blood pressure its been 90/60 today. I think that is why I was so faint 1st time I got up to go to the bathroom. It really discouraged me then. But since then I haven't been so faint. Nausea comes in waves. So I now have some little marie kex crackers to eat in bits so that I stave the nausea. I think I'll go home tomorrow.
[getting sloppy and wispy again]
I am tired again. So I think I'll sleep. It is bedtime. :) 9:50pm.
It was sweet to say good night to the kids. I love my family.

It's Wednesday. I still don't know when I'm going home for sure. The doctor will come check things out after 12:00 then I'll know. I'm glad I've stayed and rested but now I want to go home. So I hope I can. Cindy leaves Friday. I want to see her some before she goes. I miss my kids and I miss Daniel. Not the work or the messes or the crying. There is always good and bad so I focus on the good. I got to rest here. I will get to be with my family there.