The tyrrany of the shoulds

That is what my counselor 3 years ago called it. I feel it right now. I should go shower so that my hair can dry while I clean up so I can go to bed. I think I would hang it all.... but.... Our goal to clean up in the kitchen has been going so well. I don't want to ruin it. If I don't do it Daniel will finish it up when he gets home from the night ferry followed by a bus driver with a heavy load that he and a church member from the main land are carrying. Others were going to be coming and driving... so bringing the stuff for the church wouldn't have been an issue. But today, we learned it all changed. And we will have this member sleep here. A little more pressure. And it is return from daylights savings so we will lose more sleep and I was already tired. So then I was going to skip the shower. But my third child who had been crying for 2 hours before she went to sleep had moved to my bed. She woke up crying just as I finished the bedtime routine with the last of the other 3 kids. (I did #3 first cause she was so tired she couldn't handle anything.) Anyway she woke up crying so I went in there to see what was up still and she had peed on our bed. So I have to chang the sheets. And if I don't shower after a long week of hard work, and no showering (due to bathroom renovation upstairs and cold basement where the tub is so I don't want to shower at night ever... but the day time opportunities have all been stolen by needy kids. I can't do it unless the situation is just right or else I have fighting kids, or a baby who is scooting all over looking for me, crying, eating shoes and what not). So I am gross. I don't want to change sheets just to make them filthy again. And I know tomorrow morning is going to be tight and hard with the hour changes, the company (so hubby can't just go to his meeting leaving us hear with this other man)... besides I also realized during the phone call when I learned of the change that I had totally forgotten to prepare the lesson for Young Women's tomorrow. I haven't had a chance to do that since realizing it. Dinner prep, feeding kids, putting them to bed and remember the crying #3 well even after her accident she just wanted me to hold her. So I did. while doing that I did a quick read through. Now I should start the batch of peed on cloths, shower so I can clean the kitchen and get the front room so our guest (don't even know his name, just that it is a member of the Stake Young Men's Presidency. We have been praying for stake leaders in the youth organization to come.) And tomorrow while we are at the church way early and our kids are going crazy, maybe I will be able to do a better job preparing. And get the music up for the sacrament meeting.
I just want to stay home in bed. and cry. It is too much. I yelled (a lot) at my kids tonight. Pour little #3. She is so sad and just wants me to hold her. But I can't when she is crying and I have to put others to bed. And I am sure that her distress is what added to her accident. She doesn't do that usually. ANd i yelled at her for it. I prayed for what I have. I wanted a large family. I wanted to be a missionary all my life. Well our branch of 16 attendance every Sunday probably puts me in that situation better than anything else. But I am failing. I am in no way as good as Emma Smith. She endured till her husbands death. And even then who am I to say what is and isn't enduring. At the end of the movie about her her daughter asks, "If you would change anything, what would it be?" Her answer: "I would change me."
Can't I change me now? Before I ruin myself and thus my family. My husband is so good and believes in me. But I don't see why. Tonight I want to pray that the young woman won't come tomorrow. But I have been praying that she will become active again for so long. How can I think this way? And I think, well things are hard. Maybe I and #3 should stay home. She still has her cough. That means baby stays too. Even though I am so tired and just want to sleep I won't get the rest. No one at church to corral the other two. My husband is branch president. Now how can I think this way. Even with the kids being sick, there seems to be little help in staying home and then our numbers are down at church. Everyone is praying for good numbers this month, because we want a new local. I keep telling people that the Lord knows what he is doing so if he keeps letting our few active members get sick, he will take care of it in his way. So far we have pushed on in going... I want to say hang the numbers. Maybe I will. but I don't want to be home with a bunch of sick kids either. It isn't any better for me. THen I just feel selfish. I am only thinking about me. I should be able to tap into the power and strength of the atonement. But right now all I hear is #3 who started crying again. All I see is my messy house. All I feel is tiredness, sadness, shame.
Who am I? I say here I am and then I want to bail out. Yet even that could pose a problem. Where too? there is no where too. Even with the hardness I love my family too much. This is just today. It hasn't been like this all week or else I would say I need to go back on the medicine. I had a blessing last Sunday. I made it to Saturday evening. Now I am crashing. She is crying. Husband is gone till midnight. She is crying. Oh why can't she stop crying. I would just lay down with her but there is too much to do including making my bed. There are no covers. Now she is coming looking for me. I want to hide. But I will go. I will try not to be selfish and speak with love. I do love her. I will try to think of her most. And I can see now nothing else matters. Our house, my own cleanliness and unpreparedness will have to stand. I will lay. Maybe I will sleep.

Listening

Listening....
Right now I am listening to samples from April Meservy's cd. Lots of thoughts flow through my mind. I got to know her through my husband. They were Media Music students at BYU. She recorded one of her songs with Daniel for an album, when we took on the task to help my sister raise the funds for her foreign exchange experience. I am glad she has her cd out. I like her music and her voice. But more important for me is I think she is a gem of a person. I am so happy she has her cd. I read some of her journal and it is so her voice. I am glad that the amazing person she is will be able to influence even more people now. www.aprilmeservy.com

tired

I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. Physically, emotionally, situationally...

I think this physical exhaustion, combined with an escalation of my oldest son's outbursts at my most hormonoly sucseptible period have led to the heavy cloud I feel right now. Its been hard been most of today, half of yesterday. Half the day before. And some evenings this last week. Not two weeks yet. And today has been the most pervasive. Tiredness definantly impacts it. There have been little things that have happened that let me know the Lord is looking out for me and guiding me to the solutions. I hope that it will lift. That it really is my hormonal cycle that is causing these longer heavier periods each day. That's how it was last month then it was gone. the next week I had my menstration period. first one since giving birth. That is a pattern. Even on medicine that time can feel really hard. So I won't give up. But I need someone to talk to. I realized that yesterday. And today. So I write here a little. Even if this isn't the way I feel all the time I do right now. Sometimes I think, isn't it enough? Then I feel guilty. Why do I have to deal with a such determined, stubborn kids? We are realizing that there is more to it then just that for our oldest and we are meeting with people who can help us. It is taking a long time, but hopefully by the end of the month they will have determined the diagnosis and we can start working on strategies for making life better for him and our family. (They suspect Aspergers but do a thourough testing and have a team of people to make sure that the right diagnosis and therefor help is given.) And hopefully those solutions won't be too overwhelming for me. I feel so stinking weak! I want to have more children. I always wanted a big family. But how can I dream of it if I don't know to help the children I have. I am afraid that I won't give the right kind of help for them. I am afraid that the other kids will also have things that need out of the ordinary parenting. How much of what they do is cause they have seen him do it or are they also showing signs of the same or other things? And I am not even an ordinary parent. They have assured me that these aren't caused by my depression but it is so hard to deal with the situations that have been arising more and more lately. I know we have a son waiting to come to our family. I hope we will be ready when the time is right. But not now. We need to get a handle on life now. I want a calm home. I want to live up to my dreams. I am tired.

Two weeks

Two weeks is the time period I give myself to evalute moods and see how I am doing with the depression. That is the time period the professional field want to hear about. It is a good bench mark, if enough depression symptoms are pervasive for longer then two weeks, the yes one has depression. So in seeing how I am doing, it is also two weeks that I look at. I have ups and downs there have been times that I wondered if I needed a higher dose of fluoxotine, but the two week measurement has helped me to know how to act.
I have been taking it since April 2008. So almost three years. Everytime I thought I was ready to go off, there were good reasons to not go off. A move, an opperation, pregnancy, winter starting, something. My husband, has helped me be reasonable in not trying it in the times when I will be naturally weekest. He has been my main counselor, since we moved from England. I haven't even had a regular doctor since moving from Malmö. When it was time to get my last perscription we both felt that I have been stable and life is stable that I could try cutting my dose in half. So when I met with a doctor. (New doctor again, because of the last move), he didn't know anything, but listened as I explained my history and why I felt it was a good time to start. So I got my half dose perscription, knowing I could call him if it wasn't working for me. two weeks. I haven't crossed the thresh hold. I will have about three or four bad days. but then its over. I could have those while on the full perscription as well.
It was almost time to renew my perscription but we were feeling that it was time to go off the fluoxotine completely. So I did. I didn't even meet with the doctor. My husband and I are monoriting things. The doctor will just agree with me anyway and I don't want to pay for a doctors visit just to have hims say ok.
So two weeks. It has been 1 1/2 weeks since I completely stopped taking it. How am I? OK. I feel like I am more susceptible to getting angry because of feeling overwhelmed with my children and their needs. But because of the cognotive behavioral counseling I recieved in England, I am much better at combating the negative thoughts that come as a result. And that stops the downward spiral into self/hate and hopelessness that I was engulfed in when I was diagnosed. So two weeks. That is what I watch. But also, my self statements. "Are they accurate?" "Are my statements to myself leading, or are they driving" Am I giving way to "the tyrrany of the SHOULDS" Do I forgive myself? And listen to Daniel.
This is my current battle.
Two weeks. I am determined to win.

arms of love

So I don't really know what to write. I have been wearing my mothers sweater all day today. I put it on this morning when I sat down to crotchet. Mom started an afghan for my baby before she (mom) died. She worked on it when she could but just got too weak to finish it. I would guess it is about 1/7 complete.
Mom remembered that I had said yellow would be a good color. She remembered that I love them to be larger so the children can keep using them even after they are no longer toddlers. So she started the yellow and white afghan it is wide. Now I have it and get to make it long.
They couldn't find more of the yellow she had used, so my sister bought me more of the same yellow. As I am extending the blanket it is evident that though the same color, the yarn is of a different batch. To me, that is a tender mercy. Now we will always know what was my mom's work and where I came in.
This time mom was trying a bit more extensive pattern than she did on my other childrens' afghans. In trying to figure it out (it is her own), I have realized that she wasn't perfectly consistent in the different sections. I think that is a sign of the effort it took her to even work on it at all. She really wanted to do it. She made sure my sister knew about it and would get it to me after her death.
On time Mom told me that she loved making the afghans for her grandbabies. She loved the warmth they provided her as she snuggled in them adding to them and thinking of them warming her grandbabies in the future.
Today I thought of my mom working on this same afghan that I now work on. The love she had for me and my baby, who probably wasn't even born the last time mom could pick up her hook. I lay the blanket accross my lap and two other children and we enjoyed its warmth as I worked on it. When my baby was awake, I dangled it above her. She grabbed it with joy. It is the right color for my little sunshine. I want to finish it soon so she can really use it. But I am grateful for the arms of love I get to wrap around me as I finish the afghan my mother started. My mother's love lives on just as she does. This afghan and her sweater are only tangible things for th knowledge I have of her and her love.