The tyrrany of the shoulds

That is what my counselor 3 years ago called it. I feel it right now. I should go shower so that my hair can dry while I clean up so I can go to bed. I think I would hang it all.... but.... Our goal to clean up in the kitchen has been going so well. I don't want to ruin it. If I don't do it Daniel will finish it up when he gets home from the night ferry followed by a bus driver with a heavy load that he and a church member from the main land are carrying. Others were going to be coming and driving... so bringing the stuff for the church wouldn't have been an issue. But today, we learned it all changed. And we will have this member sleep here. A little more pressure. And it is return from daylights savings so we will lose more sleep and I was already tired. So then I was going to skip the shower. But my third child who had been crying for 2 hours before she went to sleep had moved to my bed. She woke up crying just as I finished the bedtime routine with the last of the other 3 kids. (I did #3 first cause she was so tired she couldn't handle anything.) Anyway she woke up crying so I went in there to see what was up still and she had peed on our bed. So I have to chang the sheets. And if I don't shower after a long week of hard work, and no showering (due to bathroom renovation upstairs and cold basement where the tub is so I don't want to shower at night ever... but the day time opportunities have all been stolen by needy kids. I can't do it unless the situation is just right or else I have fighting kids, or a baby who is scooting all over looking for me, crying, eating shoes and what not). So I am gross. I don't want to change sheets just to make them filthy again. And I know tomorrow morning is going to be tight and hard with the hour changes, the company (so hubby can't just go to his meeting leaving us hear with this other man)... besides I also realized during the phone call when I learned of the change that I had totally forgotten to prepare the lesson for Young Women's tomorrow. I haven't had a chance to do that since realizing it. Dinner prep, feeding kids, putting them to bed and remember the crying #3 well even after her accident she just wanted me to hold her. So I did. while doing that I did a quick read through. Now I should start the batch of peed on cloths, shower so I can clean the kitchen and get the front room so our guest (don't even know his name, just that it is a member of the Stake Young Men's Presidency. We have been praying for stake leaders in the youth organization to come.) And tomorrow while we are at the church way early and our kids are going crazy, maybe I will be able to do a better job preparing. And get the music up for the sacrament meeting.
I just want to stay home in bed. and cry. It is too much. I yelled (a lot) at my kids tonight. Pour little #3. She is so sad and just wants me to hold her. But I can't when she is crying and I have to put others to bed. And I am sure that her distress is what added to her accident. She doesn't do that usually. ANd i yelled at her for it. I prayed for what I have. I wanted a large family. I wanted to be a missionary all my life. Well our branch of 16 attendance every Sunday probably puts me in that situation better than anything else. But I am failing. I am in no way as good as Emma Smith. She endured till her husbands death. And even then who am I to say what is and isn't enduring. At the end of the movie about her her daughter asks, "If you would change anything, what would it be?" Her answer: "I would change me."
Can't I change me now? Before I ruin myself and thus my family. My husband is so good and believes in me. But I don't see why. Tonight I want to pray that the young woman won't come tomorrow. But I have been praying that she will become active again for so long. How can I think this way? And I think, well things are hard. Maybe I and #3 should stay home. She still has her cough. That means baby stays too. Even though I am so tired and just want to sleep I won't get the rest. No one at church to corral the other two. My husband is branch president. Now how can I think this way. Even with the kids being sick, there seems to be little help in staying home and then our numbers are down at church. Everyone is praying for good numbers this month, because we want a new local. I keep telling people that the Lord knows what he is doing so if he keeps letting our few active members get sick, he will take care of it in his way. So far we have pushed on in going... I want to say hang the numbers. Maybe I will. but I don't want to be home with a bunch of sick kids either. It isn't any better for me. THen I just feel selfish. I am only thinking about me. I should be able to tap into the power and strength of the atonement. But right now all I hear is #3 who started crying again. All I see is my messy house. All I feel is tiredness, sadness, shame.
Who am I? I say here I am and then I want to bail out. Yet even that could pose a problem. Where too? there is no where too. Even with the hardness I love my family too much. This is just today. It hasn't been like this all week or else I would say I need to go back on the medicine. I had a blessing last Sunday. I made it to Saturday evening. Now I am crashing. She is crying. Husband is gone till midnight. She is crying. Oh why can't she stop crying. I would just lay down with her but there is too much to do including making my bed. There are no covers. Now she is coming looking for me. I want to hide. But I will go. I will try not to be selfish and speak with love. I do love her. I will try to think of her most. And I can see now nothing else matters. Our house, my own cleanliness and unpreparedness will have to stand. I will lay. Maybe I will sleep.