What things do you purposefully surround yourself with to help you through the really hard times?

There have been a string of comments on facebook about depression. My sister asked in effect:
What things do you purposefully surround yourself with to help you through the really hard times? This was my facebook post and it belongs here.

 I like to have things that remind me of my family who loves me. I agree with Charlotte that my best help is my husband. But I still have my Daddy blanket that has travelled with me to Nauvoo, Russia, College, Sweden, and now Jordan. I had Jammies from mom, slippers from Mark and latter socks from Celest and a shirt. Those clothes items have all worn out but last time in Utah I brought back my gorilla that Deb and Mark gave me in the mtc. It went to Russia and back and I love to look at the ugly guy and remember the love that came and comes with it. He gets to be on my bed with the bear Daniel gave me to cuddle when he has to go overnight on business. For me I have to have a variety of things at hand that I can do when I slump. Because sometimes it is hard to get myself to do anything. So the more options I have the more likely I am to actually do something that will help me. Like Carol, it is painting, sewing, craft projects. I also have my plants. Or when I am travelling it is a book. I read a lot more when I travel. Probably cause I can't take my sewing machine with me. But I feel better when I have something to show for my time, cause it is easier to avoid the downward negative spiral. And then those things become gifts to people I love. When they go to my family they also sit around my house and bring beauty into the dark times. My counseling in England and the medicine have enabled me to enjoy life and motherhood. To me that is remarkable. I notice the difference. I never want to go back to my negative thought processes or the unfeeling state I had reached. I was either numb or crying. I believe there is meaning in all things but the greatest thing that helps me is to keep fill up spiritually whenever I can pray for help and when I am needing it it is ok if the only prayer I can muster is "help me" For I have past prayers and family and faith that the Lord will help me even when I can't feel or see the help in the moment.

Lets try again!

When my oldest was 2 we used a talk from a church magazine to help us help him try again for better responses to things. We would say Lets try again and start over. It is good advice for many situations.
There are dozens of applications of that for me right now in what I am feeling. So I head my following post with this message. And a recommitment to trying again.
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You have to love it when your modern technology interferes with the instant ability to share your thoughts right? 2 times I have tried to respond to my friends comments about Elder Jefferey R. Holland's talk at conference.

Response try 1:

I saw it twice now. Live (session was 10-12 pm yesterday night and with our branch at our normal church time at 1 today.) And said it is one that especially spoke to me. I am not sure if I should stay up to watch the last session or go to bed now. It will be a long week and I have already been struggling today. How can you love conference so much and still get mad at kids? :(

Response try 2:

That also spoke to me. I felt alot of love from him and the Lord as he said you don't judge people for these kinds of struggles anymore than we judge someone for getting a spontaneous malignant tumor. I knew that my willingness to tell people about my experiences with depression is part of helping people realize that it isn't something we can judge about. You can be a disciple of Christ, do the things you are supposed to do and still struggle with weaknesses of the flesh like depression. And for me, both CBT counseling and medication were needed. But it is worth it for the quality of life I can enjoy with my family. And so far I am still on the medicine. but I feel solid in knowing God loves me and is helping me. I pray that he will hold me fast in my weaker times. And that through this I can lovingly encourage others who believe in God and try to do what is right and still struggle!

Current thoughts:

I loved it. I love conference. But I need to do what he said and listen to my emotions' rising temperatures and my body's fatigue. I do have to care for the kids on my own from Tuesday till Friday. Joseph was doing everything he could to take us from conference. I got so mad. We had told him he didn't have to watch. He could go do anything that didn't hurt or harm anyone. It wasn't good enough. Finally I told Daniel that I needed to leave the room because I couldn't handle him anymore. I said it makes me not want to watch conference. And I know that is a thought from Satan. Joseph said that he they had the same goal right then. But he wasn't trying to be on Satan's team. He wanted our attention. He wanted us to play a game with him. He said since school has started there is less time to do things with us and he misses that. Daniel finally got the inspiration to go and tickle him in his room for a few minutes and leave with a promise to go do some more at the end of that talk. Then with this arrangement we listened to the last few talks.

Now Ella is making her noises that say she isn't happy. And Isak is mad. They don't want to go to bed. He doesn't want to go to school. He ran out of school and back to the car on Friday after I had carried him in. I talked with the phsychiatrist who we are started to work with for him. Know body knows what to tell me yet. I am scared of this next week. On the one hand I can use the lift of conference but staying up another half hour to start the 10-12 hour stretch might just add to the fatigue related additional stress that will naturally be mine this week. I am so glad that Daniel listened to the inspiration he got to take Monday off right before he would be away. So I have the opption of sleeping in. I think I will listen to conference anyway. I need to calm down my ruffled spirits.

I love my kids. I love my life. Right now I am struggling to feel peace with the situations that are mine. Someone said at conference of a grandma who was very faithful and delt with the sorrow of a grandson who ended up in prison for a pattern of bad choices. Why? The answer she felt from God was. ”I knew that you could and would love him no matter what he did.” This is right in the middle of Joseph threatening to hurt Isak because we won't stop watching conference. PLEASE help ME Lord. How can I have several kids with Anger issues We know Joseph has Aspergers and we are starting to work with teams for the next two kids. Will they have the same diagnosis. Why do I have to deal with this when I am so far from my family? I can't call my mom and complain on the phone to her. Yes This is a depressed moment. But it isn't pervasive like it was 5 years ago and would be if I wasn't helped by medicine and my wonderful spouse the amazing counselor I had then with periodic counseling since then. I feel like Peter right now. The waves and the storm are big. I am reaching out to the Savior. (at least I hope I am). 'Save me, stop me from sinking more and drowning in the storm that has blown up around me.'

Normally on this board I try to show where my strength is and now put up what I feel in my weak moments. But maybe the best way to really let it help others is to share my sinking moments too? Maybe it will be that the only one it helps is me in the future. Who knows. But now I have shared.

fears of the next step

After reading a few more responses to my families conversations on the time and money it took for degrees that have and haven't happened I started writing a response. But soon realized it fit better here then sending on that.

 I am still burned out from school. I love learning, but hate deadlines. I don't deal with pressure and stress well. I don't feel competent in family history and am afraid to even consider trying it. I would much rather use all my creative talents and make a living, but there isn't much living in sewing or building shelves from left over wood and old closet doors, or painting a forest scene on the shelves and walls. Nor crotcheting floor mats and baskets or painting pictures on the thin woody slats that once were the bottom of drawers. It makes our house nicer; and I enjoy it.

I am a stay at home mom and find masses of creative ways to save money and use my drive to create. I always have many more ideas then I could ever do. But I am afraid of committing to things, cause I am afraid of failing.

We are going to start a business. I feel it is right. But I am afraid. I don't want to have anything depend on me. When we did the business in the states. I was the self appointed manager. Daniel was the person who did everything that brought in income (his skills were marketable). But I was overloaded between my super intelligent child and pregnancy. I never did most the things that I knew would contribute to the business being sucessful. For my creative outlet I sewed. But I usually felt guilty sewing, cause I didn't sew things we needed and it meant I wasn't doing things at home that needed to be done. I came to view all of my interests and talents almost as a curse. Why did I have them if I always felt guilty if I pursued them.

I have enjoyed the last couple years of needing to use the creativity and also feeling it was ok to do things that aren't needed. But I am afraid of having a schedule that gets rid of the flexibility that has allowed me to do these things. I take a little time here or there some times I get an evening when Daniel has the kids and I shut myself up with sewing or painting or something else. I love seeing the results. But if we have to take care of a business and be mom and cook..... and the little cleaning I do already do. I don't know.

It seems very overwhelming.
Maybe now isn't the time. But really will I ever think it is the time?

The business idea I am most passionate about is the most impossible to do. Then there are varying degrees of other ones will different levels of investing required. The one that we will probably do feels like it is a blessing that has come our way. But I am scared. I don't see the self control in myself to make it successful. And with all of them the entire financial records and legal side of it is something I do not want to deel with. I am not good enough with routines to do that. I am actually a very anti-routine person. Kids going to school is a challenge for me.

Haha. I have 5 kids. It isn't going to get simpler. I had the kids cause it was right. Not for simplicities sake. I love the kids. I would be devestated if something happened to them. And while at times I have mourned knowing there aren't more for our family, there is a side of me secretly relieved. I am already in over my head. Stopping now, at least it won't be more relationships to worry about, plus the finances and time aspects.

I want to help people. And I can't reach that dream so much just with my creative exersizes here at home. WE want a business that empowers others, and our own family. Something to teach our children with and also help employ others. I can't do that sewing. My number one idea draws on my passions in life and has a lot of room for creativity, we could employ people and our kids would have projects that would get them some income for dreams now and missions. but it is the hardest to do
financially.  My next developed idea would take care of giving our kids a chance to work, but it would probably not extend to as many others, but it would use my passion for gardening. It takes some investing as well and some marketing. Mark says do some market research. I haven't gotten to it. So maybe I too am afraid of failing there. Will it just be one more idea that I think about often but will never do anything about?

The last idea is still quite new, but we have friends who are examples will be mentors and may even help with the initial investing needs. I am just scared of the international aspects, exchange rates, Swedish taxes. To really be good at it I need routines not just for the work but at home.

This is a good excersize for me to understand myself and my fears better. But now it is time to go do my personal night routine.
 

Choosing

My kids are sleeping. I want to sew. I want to write. I want to do familysearch indexing. I want to sleep. I could get another batch of laundry going. I should sleep.

But I am loading up my body's energy for the night. Eating my usual bowl of granola. Actually it is a little sweeter tonight than usual because I got the special kind since I had a 20% discount. But it is easiest to write between bites so that is what I am doing now. Feeling my tired body, I will probably sleep next. Well after I read a few scriptures. I haven't read any today.

What am I up to? Mom! That is my number one job. I am trying to do better at it. And I am trying to recognize the good things I do at it.

I like watching the 'I am a mormon' clips and I think, what would mine be about? I am not at a state where I want them to film me in my house. I have been working at trying to catch up on the cleaning since I was down so much with colds and migraines. But I am trying to not overdo it. I mean, I am a mom. I need to give all my kids the attention they need, I also need to not burn out, so I try to sneak in time at my sewing machine. Sometimes I do read. I was getting geared up for spring planting until another week and a half of regular snow blew in.

I like the flylady attitude that I can do anything for 15 minutes. When I do something and try to push through until it is 'done' that is when I become exhausted. I did push hard a couple days on cleaning. If you had seen my house before you would really see the difference, if you hadn't you might wonder if as one of Joseph's classmates said 2 years ago, 'don't you guys ever clean?' (And we thought we had done a good job! I guess our piles on shelves/tables didn't meet his house standards.)  We are working at getting order so that we can maintain a feeling of cleanliness. And I am going through things with the kids. Joseph won't get rid of anything, including the boxing things come in. I have to offer something he wants more. But I am not willing to buy him a playstation to get him to throw away his Christmas present costume. (a BIG box wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper). When going through Isaks stuff with him, he says yeah lets get rid of that, I hate it! Joseph freaks out. You can't get rid of that, Can I have it? Mom steps in. No way, Joseph. I am not letting you have more stuff. You won't get rid of anything. We have too much stuff in our house. That is why it is such a mess. Also my dad has a theory that newer/nicer looking homes are easier to keep clean then a house that itself is run down. Well we can only afford the run down house, and we are way better off because of it... but we are working on fixing it up. That too is a process. But in about a month we will have a fascade that we won't be embarassed for people to see. Hopefully soon after that we will have a working bathroom complete with a shower upstairs. And I think we were just given a new blessing.

Since the winter has continued and we scheduled the builders to come work on the house months ago, Mommy Kathryn has been concerned about us freezing. The outer layer of our house is coming down next week! We are already cold in the drafty house I can't imagine how that will feel when there is even less blocking the wind. We were even considering pulling the boys out of school and I and kids going to stay at the in-laws while Daniel stays and works both job and house. Now we hate being split up. we didn't really want to do that, but where we have been battling so many colds anyway it didn't feel right to make us try to add that to the demands on our worn bodies. Here is the blessing... in so many ways.

We have become good friends with a family who lives about 10 drive away. That alone is a great blessing. But they are angels, they asked if there was anything they could do to help during this next project. Well long story short, we are going to stay at their cottage. And there are many pluses with that. One, we will be neighbors with some of our best friends. I haven't lived in walking distance from friends since England and that was brief. (That best friend of mine is going to try and come and visit us with her kids at the end of summer!) Ella and her friend will be able to play when ever. I don't think Ella has ever had that. My friend and I have tried to get a night out each week , and it keeps getting cancelled. So living that close, we should be able to work it out. I only half-jokingly told them (before this recent kindness) that if they weren't careful we were going to feel like they were our family here on Gotland.

Well here is the blessing that made me start writing this. I told the kids that we have to clean up every night, since it isn't our place. They will each get to take one small basket of toys. Thats all. And everything has to be put up before we go to bed. Joseph started saying he wouldn't then I said we will clean for their night minutes instead of doing something fun with us if it isn't done. I told them the goal is that we will be in a habit of cleaning when we move back home that we will just keep it going. :)

Also the loft, is where Joseph and Isak want to sleep but it has a low rail. So I have said any yelling or fighting up there and they won't get to sleep or even go up there.

Yes some things will be harder. The fridge is like a quarter as big as what we have. And we will be using the freezer box inside their regular house for our frozen goods. We will have to drive Daniel out to the main road on days he works when he has to carpool. But an adventure for three weeks, with the blessing of good friends. I choose to see the Lords hand. Oh yeah, I can shower regularly without dreading going into the freezing basement. (I need to choose my basket of toys well, so I don't go nuts. I would take the sewing machine, But I don't think there is room to put it up. We will see.)

Now we just need to find more nice things to do for them to reciprocate and show our gratitude.
(also I have been a bit sad that come summer they will go to her homeland Canada for several months and that means no get-togethers then. but at least there will be this first.)

Now I spent a long time doing this. My eyes are tired of the screen. So I will close.

It has been an interesting while for me. I started counseling again. I had felt the need for it for a while and struggled more with depression during this last pregnancy and after than the previous one. While I had talked of my struggles to the midwife and even cried in her office for more than a half hour once during the pregnancy, she wasn't very supportive at my six week followup when I brought it up again. She seemed to feel that as I regained strength now this would improve on its own. Maybe so.

So me not liking to broach it with doctors or anything, actually did nothing.
Then it was my babies 3 month check up. The nurse for him gave me a questionaire... the typical one that I hate answering the questions for. Yeah, I was on the side of things that she could say if you want to meet with a therapist, we can arrange it.

So I have put off meeting with a therapist in the Swedish medical system for several reasons.

I haven't trusted that they won't judge me for my faith and try to get me to change my faith decisions. Most swedes declare themselves atheist.

Also I don't really know how to work it into the schedule. How do I get a time that works with the therapist and Daniel's work schedule on a regular basis?

Money... even co-pays greatly affect the budget and I figured there would be one and once a week even once a month is more than I could pay.

It is emotionally exhausting and I am not sure I will like my extra level of tiredness or cry headaches afterward.

I don't want to need it.

I have occasionally met and talked with a therapist in the church under the church framework and that has been good. She says I can call her anytime. but telephone therapy doesn't work for me. So I don't.

In September under a homeopaths direction I started taking some mineral supplements and also took a cleansing yeast infection pill for three months. I still take the supplements. According to my homeopath, it will take time but gradually I should gain more energy and have less migraines and restless legs and even eventually have a better time dealing with depression to the extent I may be able to come off the medicine. But she said it was a low dose I was on an probably a little too low for my current needs. (I did not get it increased mainly because I didn't want to have to go in and talk with a doctor about it. And what if I weren't taken seriously? I don't have any relationship with any doctor here so the unknown is a hinderance.)

Anyway so I have been struggling more. But due to all this and pondering many times over the last year if my medicine was high enough and if there was something else I could do and not ever doing anything I told the nurse to contact the therapist for me, because I probably wouldn't do it.

Now I have met with her twice and I think it is good thing to be doing. I have the foundation that I was given in England under the therapy with Lawrence Vingoe and this is also CBT therapy. She seems to be respectful of my religious belief. So that is good. And it is good for me to be able to talk through things and be given outside support to accurate self judgement.

And a nice surprise is that coming through the Mother/child healthcare system I don't have any copays. What a relief. Also it is in our little town where we meet so part of the schedule coordinating stress is avoided. Yes it can be emotionally exhausting but it has also been rejuvinating.

My aching bones have been bothering me last night and today. And I was just down for two days with a migraine. The last two day one was two weeks ago, but I have had evening migraines a couple of times and luckily was smart enough and able to put breaks on everything and go to bed and was better in the morning. This time I woke up with the migraine.

But today is a new day. I can actually sit at the computer (albeit Adam is requiring me to hold him while I type and that puts strain on my aching hand arm bones and my migraine tension muscles. so I shouldn't do this much longer.)

Today is Family Love Day (ie Valentine's Day with the focus on the whole families love). The plan is the Love throne wearing our crown and sharing what we love about each other, smoothies, and painting our family missionstatement key words.

I had hoped to make a small Valentine gift for each member, but that was before I was down for 2 days. So we will see. I mean, dishes are backed up and I still have to prepare meals. So I need to not expect too much of myself. The most important thing for me today is holding the Family Love Day tradition. So with that in mind I am going to make sure I know where the crown is. (I saw it two days ago so I hope it hasn't disapeared into the black hole again.)

 

Tomorrow, or not tomorrow that is my question!

Depending on which method they reckon with either yesterday or today Adam is 37 weeks in the womb. He is term. That means his heart and lungs should be well enough developed that delivery now is... well lets say I don't have to take it so easy.

The last month my mother-in-law has been here helping me. She has done so much for us. I worry that she is burning herself out as I sleep 10-12 hours and rest alot. But I was worried about how I was going to manage it all till the baby came. I had a lot of pain at intervalls and exhuastion and at times feeling overwhelmed.

I have a hard time rolling over in bed. It hurts. My lower abdomen and pelvic muscels ache. Sometimes it radiates down my legs. Getting up from bed is a chore, walking down the stairs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night 1 then 2, then 3, 4 or 5 times is hard and slow. But if I want to get back to sleep I have to do it. Sometimes the contractions are pulsing pain in my lower back. These things have scared me that maybe the baby would come early.

Now that I don't have to worry about that, I want him to come tomorrow. Tonight Daniel's brother and his wife will be arrive. They are awesome and I was impressed to invite her to come and be there for the deliver. Daniel is my birth partner. We work well together. 4 natural deliveries, he takes care of me. That will stay. But she can be there and if needed assist in little ways. I talked with Daniel 1st before I invited her. To make sure he was ok with it and knew there was no way I wanted to replace him and his role. Then we presented it to her. They can't have kids. And like many who cant they long for children. I have seen and felt how hard that is for her. Some people wouldn't want to or maybe wouldn't be up to watching a birth for those same reasons, but I felt I should ask her. She wants to. Very much.

This became interesting in trying to plan when they come. There is no way to know when the baby will come and yet I feel it very important to try to make it possible for them to be here so she can come with to the hospital. This last little while I so just wanted to be done with the pregnancy. I am tired of all the discomfort, pain and not being up to even a short walk because of the increase in these that inevitably follows. My fear of early delivery increased with the increasing intensity.
During the discussion stages of when they should come, we talked of nearer the duedate and near to 37 weeks. They have jobs and responsibilities and can't come here for an indefinate time. So it was quite a puzzle. When they leaned towards a later time I didn't look forward to extended bed rest type life. When we discussed earlier dates I feared that baby wouldn't come before they had to go back. But then with all I was feeling in my body and the pelvic pressure especially I felt that it could easily be the earliest yet. Then they ask, when do you think the baby will come? Before their final decision was finally made of when they would come, I thought, this is too much. I don't know. To much stress. I want her to have the chance to be there. It was an impression from above to invite her. I pray it will bring her a healing that she hasn't been able to find and peace.... but goodness, I can't say when he is coming. If I could say that, most of the previous births would have been a different day or better yet week. (Except maybe Joseph but even he I may have tried to not have it on a Sunday. Rebekah's definately would have been later so we had made it to Hannas wedding. But God knew what was best and instead we missed the wedding and made it home for my mom's funeral which wouldn't have happened had she been later. And that was something that was emotioanlly more important for our family.) Always in thinking about it I think of what is most important. A safe healthy delivery for me and the baby; a spriritual experienc with Daniel there. Then the other things aren't so important. My feelings all go out in prayer. Every weekend after term I would say, ok now... Daniel can be here, but Heavenly Father you know best. Thy will be done.

Those are the same priorities for me now, with the addition that Sigrid can be there and it will be a
kind of spriritual healing for her aching heart. The impression was from God to invite her. But he might have had different intentions then her actual presence? Well I do my best and pray for his will.
Early this week they contemplated moving back their visit to get in just a little more work. I wanted to cry. I have told people to pray if it is right that we can have the baby this week. I am tired of bed and feeling useless and the up and down of worrying that the increased pain one day means an early birth or the more rested days mean the baby won't come till after they go home and I have a few more weeks to go. I am tired of seeing and thinking of things that I want to do or want done but not being able to do most of them. That may not change but I will be able to walk up and down the stairs with out holding my belly with one hand and the rail with the other as I snail pacedly descend. I want to go for a walk but after a round round the garden feel good to sit down.

I was so relieved when they decided to come tonight as planned. But then I imediately start worrying that nothing is happening yet. The reason we want it tomorrow or this weekend is so she can not only be there for the birth but enjoy some of the precious first days of the babys life. If he comes at the end of their stay she misses that in the press to get back home to work for their family economy. I think both parts are important. Whenever they get to adopt (which they are working hard towards) it will likely be a child no younger than 1 1/2 years. That how it ends up hear in Sweden. Those first days when the child is so new are precious. The spirit just came from heaven. Holding the newborn....
But again, it is all in the Lord's hands. I will trust his way. Sooner or later the blessings of his way are made known.

These last two days I have started to try to carefully build up a little of the strength I have lost while being in bed so much. I am also actively engaging in the hypnobirthing visualization that is aimed at helping the body progress to delivery. That means during contractions do the breathing with visualization instead of continuing what ever I am focused on. Daniel says tomorrow it is spicy food and hot showers etc. Sigrid says we will start long walks! I say lets go dig and see if any of the potatos survived the rain and my neglegt, pick and process apples, work on the house again, etc. Go on walks/outings with kids, farmor etc. Now I am going to go attack packing the hospital bag. :) If I want it to happen tomorrow I better be ready right?

 

I took a long nap today. I know the naps are good for me, since I am pregnant. I get so tired I can hardly function at night. And I have had a sore throat, but I don't like having to get going again. I have a hard time getting up and going. And today I was awakened with news of some problems at school. Then I went out to water plants and realized that the cool weather has not been nice to my garden. The pumpkins and potatos are black in leaves and wilted looking. Then it is dry, but since it is cold and nights are colder I should probably wait to water them until morning. I am sad about my yard and garden. I feel like I try so hard, but I can't stay up on top of it. I can't even mow the lawn. And it sorely needs more then my husbands schedule can give it. Then I come back into my house. What a mess. I want to leave it all right now. Escape. Escape the problems. The stress. The mess. The unrealized dreams and wishing I could do things I can't. Lack of money, health or time or energy.
I have been pretty healthy in comparison this pregnancy. I haven't thrown up even once! That is amazing, because it was a regular concern all the other four times. But I have still dealt with migraines which went away with other pregnancies. I try to vary what I do so as to not over do it. And I have done better, but I did get a migrain Monday and the last several days I have been struggling more with morning sickness then what I had gotten used to. I don't want to cook or be in the kitchen and sometimes the house. Today I gave into my craving for beef and bought a good bit and tried to steak it on the stove. I think it helped the craving for the red meat, but it didn't turn out well. It was edible. Tough. But it is frustrating because it is so much more expensive then what I usually spend on one meal. (and then since I don't usually buy it I don't know how to cook it right so that it is as enjoyable to eat as it is expensive.)
Anyway, the first half of the day was good. I took the girls to the library, the park and we did a little shopping (remember the meat?) Then we got the boys and came home. I read to Rebekah and Ella a little before I lay Rebekah down for a nap. Ate and did a little sudoko. Then I slept.