tired

I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. Physically, emotionally, situationally...

I think this physical exhaustion, combined with an escalation of my oldest son's outbursts at my most hormonoly sucseptible period have led to the heavy cloud I feel right now. Its been hard been most of today, half of yesterday. Half the day before. And some evenings this last week. Not two weeks yet. And today has been the most pervasive. Tiredness definantly impacts it. There have been little things that have happened that let me know the Lord is looking out for me and guiding me to the solutions. I hope that it will lift. That it really is my hormonal cycle that is causing these longer heavier periods each day. That's how it was last month then it was gone. the next week I had my menstration period. first one since giving birth. That is a pattern. Even on medicine that time can feel really hard. So I won't give up. But I need someone to talk to. I realized that yesterday. And today. So I write here a little. Even if this isn't the way I feel all the time I do right now. Sometimes I think, isn't it enough? Then I feel guilty. Why do I have to deal with a such determined, stubborn kids? We are realizing that there is more to it then just that for our oldest and we are meeting with people who can help us. It is taking a long time, but hopefully by the end of the month they will have determined the diagnosis and we can start working on strategies for making life better for him and our family. (They suspect Aspergers but do a thourough testing and have a team of people to make sure that the right diagnosis and therefor help is given.) And hopefully those solutions won't be too overwhelming for me. I feel so stinking weak! I want to have more children. I always wanted a big family. But how can I dream of it if I don't know to help the children I have. I am afraid that I won't give the right kind of help for them. I am afraid that the other kids will also have things that need out of the ordinary parenting. How much of what they do is cause they have seen him do it or are they also showing signs of the same or other things? And I am not even an ordinary parent. They have assured me that these aren't caused by my depression but it is so hard to deal with the situations that have been arising more and more lately. I know we have a son waiting to come to our family. I hope we will be ready when the time is right. But not now. We need to get a handle on life now. I want a calm home. I want to live up to my dreams. I am tired.