Tomorrow, or not tomorrow that is my question!

Depending on which method they reckon with either yesterday or today Adam is 37 weeks in the womb. He is term. That means his heart and lungs should be well enough developed that delivery now is... well lets say I don't have to take it so easy.

The last month my mother-in-law has been here helping me. She has done so much for us. I worry that she is burning herself out as I sleep 10-12 hours and rest alot. But I was worried about how I was going to manage it all till the baby came. I had a lot of pain at intervalls and exhuastion and at times feeling overwhelmed.

I have a hard time rolling over in bed. It hurts. My lower abdomen and pelvic muscels ache. Sometimes it radiates down my legs. Getting up from bed is a chore, walking down the stairs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night 1 then 2, then 3, 4 or 5 times is hard and slow. But if I want to get back to sleep I have to do it. Sometimes the contractions are pulsing pain in my lower back. These things have scared me that maybe the baby would come early.

Now that I don't have to worry about that, I want him to come tomorrow. Tonight Daniel's brother and his wife will be arrive. They are awesome and I was impressed to invite her to come and be there for the deliver. Daniel is my birth partner. We work well together. 4 natural deliveries, he takes care of me. That will stay. But she can be there and if needed assist in little ways. I talked with Daniel 1st before I invited her. To make sure he was ok with it and knew there was no way I wanted to replace him and his role. Then we presented it to her. They can't have kids. And like many who cant they long for children. I have seen and felt how hard that is for her. Some people wouldn't want to or maybe wouldn't be up to watching a birth for those same reasons, but I felt I should ask her. She wants to. Very much.

This became interesting in trying to plan when they come. There is no way to know when the baby will come and yet I feel it very important to try to make it possible for them to be here so she can come with to the hospital. This last little while I so just wanted to be done with the pregnancy. I am tired of all the discomfort, pain and not being up to even a short walk because of the increase in these that inevitably follows. My fear of early delivery increased with the increasing intensity.
During the discussion stages of when they should come, we talked of nearer the duedate and near to 37 weeks. They have jobs and responsibilities and can't come here for an indefinate time. So it was quite a puzzle. When they leaned towards a later time I didn't look forward to extended bed rest type life. When we discussed earlier dates I feared that baby wouldn't come before they had to go back. But then with all I was feeling in my body and the pelvic pressure especially I felt that it could easily be the earliest yet. Then they ask, when do you think the baby will come? Before their final decision was finally made of when they would come, I thought, this is too much. I don't know. To much stress. I want her to have the chance to be there. It was an impression from above to invite her. I pray it will bring her a healing that she hasn't been able to find and peace.... but goodness, I can't say when he is coming. If I could say that, most of the previous births would have been a different day or better yet week. (Except maybe Joseph but even he I may have tried to not have it on a Sunday. Rebekah's definately would have been later so we had made it to Hannas wedding. But God knew what was best and instead we missed the wedding and made it home for my mom's funeral which wouldn't have happened had she been later. And that was something that was emotioanlly more important for our family.) Always in thinking about it I think of what is most important. A safe healthy delivery for me and the baby; a spriritual experienc with Daniel there. Then the other things aren't so important. My feelings all go out in prayer. Every weekend after term I would say, ok now... Daniel can be here, but Heavenly Father you know best. Thy will be done.

Those are the same priorities for me now, with the addition that Sigrid can be there and it will be a
kind of spriritual healing for her aching heart. The impression was from God to invite her. But he might have had different intentions then her actual presence? Well I do my best and pray for his will.
Early this week they contemplated moving back their visit to get in just a little more work. I wanted to cry. I have told people to pray if it is right that we can have the baby this week. I am tired of bed and feeling useless and the up and down of worrying that the increased pain one day means an early birth or the more rested days mean the baby won't come till after they go home and I have a few more weeks to go. I am tired of seeing and thinking of things that I want to do or want done but not being able to do most of them. That may not change but I will be able to walk up and down the stairs with out holding my belly with one hand and the rail with the other as I snail pacedly descend. I want to go for a walk but after a round round the garden feel good to sit down.

I was so relieved when they decided to come tonight as planned. But then I imediately start worrying that nothing is happening yet. The reason we want it tomorrow or this weekend is so she can not only be there for the birth but enjoy some of the precious first days of the babys life. If he comes at the end of their stay she misses that in the press to get back home to work for their family economy. I think both parts are important. Whenever they get to adopt (which they are working hard towards) it will likely be a child no younger than 1 1/2 years. That how it ends up hear in Sweden. Those first days when the child is so new are precious. The spirit just came from heaven. Holding the newborn....
But again, it is all in the Lord's hands. I will trust his way. Sooner or later the blessings of his way are made known.

These last two days I have started to try to carefully build up a little of the strength I have lost while being in bed so much. I am also actively engaging in the hypnobirthing visualization that is aimed at helping the body progress to delivery. That means during contractions do the breathing with visualization instead of continuing what ever I am focused on. Daniel says tomorrow it is spicy food and hot showers etc. Sigrid says we will start long walks! I say lets go dig and see if any of the potatos survived the rain and my neglegt, pick and process apples, work on the house again, etc. Go on walks/outings with kids, farmor etc. Now I am going to go attack packing the hospital bag. :) If I want it to happen tomorrow I better be ready right?

 

I took a long nap today. I know the naps are good for me, since I am pregnant. I get so tired I can hardly function at night. And I have had a sore throat, but I don't like having to get going again. I have a hard time getting up and going. And today I was awakened with news of some problems at school. Then I went out to water plants and realized that the cool weather has not been nice to my garden. The pumpkins and potatos are black in leaves and wilted looking. Then it is dry, but since it is cold and nights are colder I should probably wait to water them until morning. I am sad about my yard and garden. I feel like I try so hard, but I can't stay up on top of it. I can't even mow the lawn. And it sorely needs more then my husbands schedule can give it. Then I come back into my house. What a mess. I want to leave it all right now. Escape. Escape the problems. The stress. The mess. The unrealized dreams and wishing I could do things I can't. Lack of money, health or time or energy.
I have been pretty healthy in comparison this pregnancy. I haven't thrown up even once! That is amazing, because it was a regular concern all the other four times. But I have still dealt with migraines which went away with other pregnancies. I try to vary what I do so as to not over do it. And I have done better, but I did get a migrain Monday and the last several days I have been struggling more with morning sickness then what I had gotten used to. I don't want to cook or be in the kitchen and sometimes the house. Today I gave into my craving for beef and bought a good bit and tried to steak it on the stove. I think it helped the craving for the red meat, but it didn't turn out well. It was edible. Tough. But it is frustrating because it is so much more expensive then what I usually spend on one meal. (and then since I don't usually buy it I don't know how to cook it right so that it is as enjoyable to eat as it is expensive.)
Anyway, the first half of the day was good. I took the girls to the library, the park and we did a little shopping (remember the meat?) Then we got the boys and came home. I read to Rebekah and Ella a little before I lay Rebekah down for a nap. Ate and did a little sudoko. Then I slept.

leaking pipes

So the pipe in the kitchen is leaking again. Hmm. Maybe next month will be another tight one. But if we can stop the problem and still survive... should I complain? I just hate worrying about finances and these last two months have taken their emotional toll. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. I am not nusually one who is too worried about having the traditional perfect sunday or holliday meal. But this time we were asked to have the missionarries over. Usually not a problem. But the combination of it being Easter and company makes me feel like we should have something special. But we don't. We have to run to the store now to get milk, eggs, bread and some other basics again and are trying to keep the bill as low as possible. So that doesn't leave much room for an easter ham. Sorry Elders. We have a turkey in the freezer but didn't take thaw it in time. But we are having a large group here Tuesday (including the Elders) so it is just as well that we have the Turkey for that. They are supposed to be helping us in our garden. Today was another sad surprise of a good inch of snow when we woke up. So we probably won't be planting yet. But hopefully we can get the ground ready.
I am sad. I want to enjoy spring. I want to get past the financial crunches. yet I must remind myself, just having the car, house and yard we are much better off than other similarly tight food budgets.... like when Daniel was substitute teaching. So yah it might be tight but at least we have a better life to show for it. And I got past my not wanting to do anything today slump with help of food a short visit from neighbors and my husband reminding me that I will be better off coming with the family than staying home if I am feeling like this. So at least I want to brush my hair before we go.
And I felt like typing this. It helped. Now I will go put up my hair so we can buy milk before the store closes.

Today I made a new friend. We met once before and decided we wanted to get together. Two days ago she called. She had lost my number. I had it in the back of my mind that I would contact her sometime. I really wanted to. But my aversion to making phone calls seems to have won. I was very happy she called. It was a very good day. She came and was here for about 3 hours. Tomorrow we will take our whole family to their place to have dinner. I think it will be good for both our families. Although she married a native to our Island and has had a better ´in´ with the locals than we, she is Canadian and that culture is much closer to American culture. (mostly the same, just national pride destinguished us.) So she has some of the similar struggles and adjustments. Anyway, I think that we are both grateful for another friend who lives near. 10 minute drive. yes.

I had a mother group that I would meet with somewhat regularly but it is peatering out. I miss meeting with them but they all go to work and while we developed a friendship it never got much beyond the group meetings. Is it Sweden? Is it me? Is it the work\life schedule they live? I don't know. But having a church family move to the island and now this, are big blessings in my book. I miss the ability I had to just drop in on friends in the states. Life is busy and crazy but.... I am not good at scheduling things 2 weeks in advance. There is a part of me that is still afraid of being able to keep those comittments. For several years I really avoided making any promises. I have been trying to work myself back up to it, but with a couple of things recently I realize that I am still struggling. Maybe it is a little worse with the pregnancy hormones involved. I struggle more wanting to get up and I have to take naps again. Motivation to do things is waning. But I am still doing much better than the first three kids.

Yes. Number 5 is on the way. It is exciting and when I let myself think that way, daunting. But I know that it is the right time. With the Lord on our side I don't need to give in to fears. I still struggle with some things. I have my moments when I don't want the kids to touch me. But I can see the difference... or feel it. I often feel such great love as I hold or hug my children. The feelings are what I used to know I should have and longed for but didn't have so regularly.

My last baby's birth was at a significant time for me. Her mortal life was beginning as my mother's was rapidly ending. I had many spiritual insights during the couple weeks they were both alive. I felt imense love from my Heavenly Father and from my mother. Because of distance and needing passports etc. for the new baby, we didn't get to go see mom before she died. But I knew of my moms love for the little babies and I kissed and hugged my baby extra for my mom. In the process I developed the deeper love like my mother has, for these precious babies so recent from heaven. As my baby has grown I have loved the hugging and kissing and holding in a new depth. My emotional health helped me to feel more of that for all my children. But for the first time ever I was baby hungry. It is weird to have a baby and have my heart longing for another. Every time we would see the newborns I felt a yearning. Knowing my own struggles with depression I knew I couldn't consider it until much further down the road. So I suppressed it as well as I could. I was also afraid of my ability to take on another child.... practically speaking. So things had to settle. That attitude that it wasn't good for me and the family took hold. It took a while of promptings and impressions before I started looking at it more seriously. One thing was the planning of our US trip (which was moved up since my dad got married again in January.) All the sudded the possible timetable was adjusted! Then little things like, a thought, everyone in the family was talking about our next baby almost immediately after the last one. But we knew it wasn't time. But it had been a long time since any of the kids had said anything. So I thought. Maybe It will be a sign if one of them mentions it. Same day. My oldest says when we have two more kids we will have to get a new car. I hurried out of the situation. Was it my sign?
My dear sister-in-law helped me realized and overcome the obstacles that were hindering me from listening. She longs to be a mother. She can't. There isn't anything they can do about it. She was the last person in the world I wanted to burden with my ponderings. But I think the Lord knew that she would help me and hopefully it is a blessing for her as well that we had the conversation.
Anyway here we are. Number five on the way. Imperfect parents. Very imperfect physical home. But we have love and faith. I have the modern blessing of my depression medicine to help me do this successfully too. Blessings. Recognizing all God has given me and obtaining priesthood blessings as needed are lifelines. Another is sleep. So I will head that way. :)

reading past journal entries

I felt like I should get my mission journals when we went to the states last time. I thought I was getting them to share my mission with my children. I think I was but I am also learning a lot. I start reading and can hardly put them down. Some of the people mentioned I don't remember. I do remember those we worked a lot with. I remember my emotions, desires and struggles. This has brought our a mix of feelings as I reflect on who I was and am. I am much the same person. I am still deeply committed to the gosple. I still want to serve the Lord my whole life. Having already married, I am not afraid of marriage as I was then. Now I am increadibly grateful for the wonderful husband I have. I reflect on how tired I was then. Even my husband commented on how often I wrote, 'I am so tired'. I really was. I also was sick alot. I think I correctly assesed that alot of the tiredness was still from the time I was so afraid to go to sleep that I wouldn't lay down until I knew I would fall directly asleep. I had a huge sleep deficit and my body was definately effected. I look back on the time it has taken me to build my health back up. It never would have gotten to were I am without my depression diagnosis and the medicine that helped me be in a place where I can work on my thinking pattern. I went home from my mission deppressed. It took me several years, a spiritual experience the summer I got married, talking with my counselor and subsequent reflection to let go of the feeling that I had not been the missionarry I should have been. Now I can say maybe I wasn't the missionarry I wanted to be but I can also be more charitable and look at the whole picture. (like high standards from within and without, a companion who was majorly deppressed etc.) I know the Lord used me and as I read my journal entries I am very pleased with my desires and effort, but especially the love that I had for the people I associated with. Yes I made mistakes and did things at times that could have been changed for the better, but I had a pure heart. Pure desires. I know the Lord accepts that. I also feel that I am in a better place to be a mother because of my knowledge from my mission and the efforts there. I know I can have the same love, prayers and effort in helping my own children develope the testimonies that I tried to help others feel.
One of my favorite entries that I read recently explains how we were with a less active member. I asked her if we could help her. She said, How could you? You can't do anything. Then I responded. We can give love. She smiled and said yes, you can do that.
I don't know if she did ever become active. I have let my struggles with Russian and corresponding stop me from writing. But I know I did give her love and friendship, sisterhood service and a chance to serve. We arranged (after obraining approval from the mission president) to go there once a week and take a crotcheting lesson from her and deliver a spiritual message. I loved both parts of the arrangement. I came to care for her. I think of her often (especially when I crotchet!!) I pray for her and hope that she can find the Lord's love for her. Her name was Lybov. or Love.

speaking of love, I need to stop and give love to my children.
I am glad for my journies.

More

I just read a blog of my sisters. She wrote a letter to mom. At the end she says, "thank you for throwing advice to the wind and having all 13 of us."

It was a beautiful letter that covered a range of feelings that I can relate to. This evening I feel... like my emotions are fighting with each other and trying to cancel each other out. It is good to sometimes think through things instead of just pushing them under and trying to go to sleep. Sleep is something that I am sure will come tonight. I am tired. I am sick. The whole family is sick. Apparently we caught it at the same time as the relatives while over for Christmas. Everyone has been down, there and at least four other locations (everyone is back home now) with the same awful aches and fevers and coughing.

I got a blessing this morning. I was told that if I used my faith I could be healed and go forward. The Lord has more for me.
I felt inside... Do I really want to utelize the faith and go forward? Do I want the more? My sweatheart went to church to take care of some matters only he as the branch president could and should do... in the short time we have before a trip to be with my family. He took the one child who was furthest along on the healing journey.

If one only looks at things pragmatically, he should have stayed home. He came home shivering, and totally out of strength. I stayed home with the three others. I got to lay in bed until right before he left. Sleeping most the time. His letting me sleep so much the last couple of days is how I have survived. My throat hurts even now. I sit here at the computer typing as I sip hot herbal tea. After he got home I put him to bed with the sickest child and took the rest down stairs. We watched seminary videos and took it easy. Later I woke them to get them to eat something and tried to get the other kids to eat something. No one has much of an appetite. The baby wants to start nursing again and is refusing a bottle. Anyway, after they all ate a little something then we gathered for scriptures and prayers.

Daniel and I wanted to just lay and read together. He thought he might be up to reading. (we read for our new years celebration since no one had energy and kids slept a lot.) My throat can't handle much reading or talking. So as is our tradition before a date (and reading together is our most frequent date), we said a prayer. In the prayer Daniel said something that brought a sarcastic laugh out of me.... After the prayer, in the brief moment of explaining why I laughed like I did, I also realized that we wouldn't be reading then. The kids had other ideas. Minutes.

They each get 10 minutes each night with a parent. one on one. It is very important to them and when we are on schedule a huge blessing for each of us. Sometimes.... often we get off schedule and are tired and it is late and we don't feel up to the exertion. Sometimes we bargain with them and get them to do their minutes together. If we were all out as a family and get home late we sometimes even refuse the minutes. (like getting home from the ferry at midnight. Sorry it doesn't work.) But it is precious time that in the end what we do during the minutes, they decide. So realizing we were in pleanty of time to do the minutes just dog tired and sick... Well if Daniel can read with me, he can read with them. He needs to lay. So do most of them.

So why did I laugh? Daniel recieved a blessing at church as well. He was told similar words that the Lord had more for him. In the prayer with me Daniel mentioned these promised blessings and said we wanted them. Hearing my kids around me and feeling how I felt at least part of what more was and wasn't sure I wanted it. I told him afterward pointing to our children some lying others regaining their boundless energy, "I am not sure I want more."

I have been struggling a lot lately with that feeling of wanting and not wanting more. I have heard pleanty of people unknowingly echo each other that I have my hands full with very energetic and determined children, and that I better wait to have more children (as I have expressed that to be my desire).  I feel the longing and the nudgings more and more. And I also see how absurd it would seem to anyone that I would consider having another. We already have begun working with professionals to help one of our children and I fear the others may have similar needs. I feel overwhelmed a lot. But lots of things happened this last week that I am finally willing to admit that yes it is time. However, with down times like this I feel and wonder, how? Do I really want to ask for more. Yep. People will think I am crazy. Maybe the kids will make me crazy. But I know that it is time. Even as I write this. I want to say. You don't really know that. But I can't. I know.

It has come up between us a few different times and we talk and pray and wait. Last we said is we won't decide until after our US trip. Takes the pressure off a little. but the feelings kept coming to both of us. One day I thought, "well the kids haven't brought up another child for a long time. Maybe I should really consider it next time one of them brings it up." kind of like a sign? Well that night as I was leaving his room and about to shut his door, my oldest said to me, "When we have two more kids we will have to get a bigger car." It really caught me off guard. "Your right, when we do have two more kids we won't fit in our car. Good night. I love you." And I hurried out of there. Was it a sign? I pondered that question for quite a while.

Over the hollidays I became frustrated with my children and the sleeping situation and difficulty to put them to bed when they can hear everyone who is still up. I bailed out on Daniel and sat at the table just resting my head in my hands. A sweat sister in law started gently rubbing my back. The tears started and I had to leave the openness of the kitchen. She led me to their room and let me talk about everything. It came to this question. I didn't want to talk about it with her. They can't have kids. They long for children. And can't. They are trying to get things in order for an adoption. Family and friends are helping them raise money. But their are road blocks. She hopes that the child won't be older than my youngest currently is when they do get to finally adopt. But chances are slim. Here I am, able to, feeling a longing for another baby and yet fighting within myself because of the related difficulties and also knowing what the world will think. I thought of her, how she would long for a baby and probably as many as came if she could. Part of me wished I could help her even more  than the occasional financial deposits. It even crossed my mind maybe I should have a child for her. But I could never do that. One of our children born in our covenant marriage... no. It doesn't seem right.

But how could I tell her that I am fighting myself cause I don't want to have another child. I don't want a pregnancy, the healing and one more kid added to my already inabilaty to stay on top of things. Yes I love the tiny baby. In a way I never did before. This last time I felt very close to heaven through it. I learned much of the circle of life. My mother's life was ending as a new body was developing inside of me. After the baby was born. I cherished her doubly. Once for me, and once for my mom who would never get to snuggle the warmth of this little baby. That cherishing that my mother had for the little babies has stayed with me since then. I long for the little babies. I never longed for them before. It is different. But I knew it wasn't time. But now, I don't have that, it isn't time. So the different emotions conflict.

But she, my sister in law was there. She listened. We cried together. She echoed many others in saying big gaps can be good. She and her brother are a big gap. Then I told her how we keep feeling maybe... more and more and I finished with my thoughts before and the conversation about needing a new car. She imediately changed her refrence point and said, "It sounds like you know." And I did. She has such faith. Can I have that faith?

Since then every mess. Every tired feeling. Every moment of exasperation. The laundry, dishes, arguing, etc. seem to testify that the world is right. I would be crazy to have another child. The sickness was a testimony that I can't take care of them. Its what I am and am not doing that led us to be sick again. (Right?)

There are other moments that remind me of the eternal blessings, but they seem so few in comparisson. Well little ones come. Like, no offense to the rest of the family, I was grateful to learn they have all been really sick too. It isn't me being a bad mom and housekeeper that let us be sick. Now I know this. I was still having the battle of emotions and I read my sisters blog. In fact I read her last two entries. I learned alot about my emotions. Now as I have been typing, sipping more hot herbal tea, things are cleared. It won't be the first time the world thinks I am doing something crazy that was in reality the exaclty right thing to do. Now that I understand that.... I need to hold to it. The sure knowledge of walking the Lord's path for me and my family can carry me through the trials that are ahead.

Now instead of fighting inside myself, I can go forward. I can focus my energy and faith in the right direction. There is more for us. Part of that includes at least one more child. If it is a boy, we will call him Adam. We have been talking about Adam since before Rebekah was born. And in the meantime I can echo my sister, "Thank you mom for throwing advice to the wind and having all 13 of us." Adding to that I pray that I can have the faith and help I need to raise the children the Lord wishes to send me. I pray for my sister in law. I will continue to try to find ways to help them emotionally and financially.

I don't understand the ways of the Lord. But I trust Him. I know He loves his children. As another sister pointed out, her 'birthday scripture' says, "And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children: nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." -1 Nephi 11:17

More.