Lets try again!

When my oldest was 2 we used a talk from a church magazine to help us help him try again for better responses to things. We would say Lets try again and start over. It is good advice for many situations.
There are dozens of applications of that for me right now in what I am feeling. So I head my following post with this message. And a recommitment to trying again.
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You have to love it when your modern technology interferes with the instant ability to share your thoughts right? 2 times I have tried to respond to my friends comments about Elder Jefferey R. Holland's talk at conference.

Response try 1:

I saw it twice now. Live (session was 10-12 pm yesterday night and with our branch at our normal church time at 1 today.) And said it is one that especially spoke to me. I am not sure if I should stay up to watch the last session or go to bed now. It will be a long week and I have already been struggling today. How can you love conference so much and still get mad at kids? :(

Response try 2:

That also spoke to me. I felt alot of love from him and the Lord as he said you don't judge people for these kinds of struggles anymore than we judge someone for getting a spontaneous malignant tumor. I knew that my willingness to tell people about my experiences with depression is part of helping people realize that it isn't something we can judge about. You can be a disciple of Christ, do the things you are supposed to do and still struggle with weaknesses of the flesh like depression. And for me, both CBT counseling and medication were needed. But it is worth it for the quality of life I can enjoy with my family. And so far I am still on the medicine. but I feel solid in knowing God loves me and is helping me. I pray that he will hold me fast in my weaker times. And that through this I can lovingly encourage others who believe in God and try to do what is right and still struggle!

Current thoughts:

I loved it. I love conference. But I need to do what he said and listen to my emotions' rising temperatures and my body's fatigue. I do have to care for the kids on my own from Tuesday till Friday. Joseph was doing everything he could to take us from conference. I got so mad. We had told him he didn't have to watch. He could go do anything that didn't hurt or harm anyone. It wasn't good enough. Finally I told Daniel that I needed to leave the room because I couldn't handle him anymore. I said it makes me not want to watch conference. And I know that is a thought from Satan. Joseph said that he they had the same goal right then. But he wasn't trying to be on Satan's team. He wanted our attention. He wanted us to play a game with him. He said since school has started there is less time to do things with us and he misses that. Daniel finally got the inspiration to go and tickle him in his room for a few minutes and leave with a promise to go do some more at the end of that talk. Then with this arrangement we listened to the last few talks.

Now Ella is making her noises that say she isn't happy. And Isak is mad. They don't want to go to bed. He doesn't want to go to school. He ran out of school and back to the car on Friday after I had carried him in. I talked with the phsychiatrist who we are started to work with for him. Know body knows what to tell me yet. I am scared of this next week. On the one hand I can use the lift of conference but staying up another half hour to start the 10-12 hour stretch might just add to the fatigue related additional stress that will naturally be mine this week. I am so glad that Daniel listened to the inspiration he got to take Monday off right before he would be away. So I have the opption of sleeping in. I think I will listen to conference anyway. I need to calm down my ruffled spirits.

I love my kids. I love my life. Right now I am struggling to feel peace with the situations that are mine. Someone said at conference of a grandma who was very faithful and delt with the sorrow of a grandson who ended up in prison for a pattern of bad choices. Why? The answer she felt from God was. ”I knew that you could and would love him no matter what he did.” This is right in the middle of Joseph threatening to hurt Isak because we won't stop watching conference. PLEASE help ME Lord. How can I have several kids with Anger issues We know Joseph has Aspergers and we are starting to work with teams for the next two kids. Will they have the same diagnosis. Why do I have to deal with this when I am so far from my family? I can't call my mom and complain on the phone to her. Yes This is a depressed moment. But it isn't pervasive like it was 5 years ago and would be if I wasn't helped by medicine and my wonderful spouse the amazing counselor I had then with periodic counseling since then. I feel like Peter right now. The waves and the storm are big. I am reaching out to the Savior. (at least I hope I am). 'Save me, stop me from sinking more and drowning in the storm that has blown up around me.'

Normally on this board I try to show where my strength is and now put up what I feel in my weak moments. But maybe the best way to really let it help others is to share my sinking moments too? Maybe it will be that the only one it helps is me in the future. Who knows. But now I have shared.