Moving can be one of those situations that puts a person into depression. It is one of those life stressors. The accompanying changes can leave a person feeling very vulnerable. It was a move in 2007 that plummeted me into the depths of my depression that finally got it diagnosed. This move took me to a new country and cut me off from physical contact with my family of origin. For quite a while I didn't have internet access either. I had 2 young children was expecting my third. My husband was studying and also had several extended trips.

I don't do well with pregnancy anyway and the extra harmones didn't help with the deepening depression. I was home bound by weather and cramping and exhaustion. It was too much to get me and the kids out for more then the necessary shopping. With no car I had to do the shopping at the local supermarket and a double stroller. By time we came home (my snail pace pushing of the stroller) I was further exhausted and had to rest the next day or two to keep the cramping down. As far as my energy was concerned and stress levels of shopping with kids, I would have much rather my husband do the shopping, but then I literally would never go outside (not good for mine or the kids health or sanity) and the shops closed before he was done with classes at school.

Luckily a friend from church helped me with the big shopping once a week. It was the one day I left the kids with Daniel and went out spent a car ride with her and her two girls and went grocery shopping at the stretch your budget store. That blessed us financially, gave me my only weekly out and also some social interaction. In a very large way she was my silver lining to the difficulties I experienced there. But there were more. All of them in answer to prayer. Current and past prayers. Most of them were connected to church. Things people said or did. I could have easily sunk but they were a life line at times, or a little floater that helped me when I couldn't even tread water.

Get past the shakes

I have often thought of an experience that I had in Jr high. We had to have physical strength test. Boys were tested on the number of pullups. Since very few girls could muster even one, we had what was called the flexed arm hang. We were tested on how long those same muscles could endure holding our chin above a bar as the weight of our own body tried to pull us down. We wanted to make the minimum requirement, but it was even greater if one thought they might have a chance at the class record. I remember our gymn teachers encouraging us on. They knew from experience that our bodies would get tired and it would just get harder. But for those who were determined to make a goal they helpd us as they could. They called out encouragment to each of us as we took our turn. For those who kept holding on past the minimum and the initial this is intense feelings we soon met another challenge. As we continued to hold on our arms started shaking. Now it was a test to see if we could keep our chin up while our arms shook our whole body. Our teachers called out to us, hang on. You can do it. You just have to get past the shakes. If you could hold on through the shaking there would come a point when your body would find a new determination and lock into holding on. And one could hold on surprisingly long.


I don't remember any of my times but I remember those shakes. I don't think I ever really held on long after the shakes. Did I even get past them? I am not sure. But it has been a vivid analogy for me with my struggles in life. Just like I had to take the test every year, the trials are not one time and if I endure to the shakes, they can really test my ability to hang on to my goal. But often in my mind I hear a refrain from my teachers. Hang on. You can do it. You just have to get through the shakes. And I try to keep my chin up. It has helped me many times when I was sure I couldn't endure.

Some time in there I got a little hand out at church. There was a rope glued to an index card. At the end of the rope there not with a bear glued holding on just above the not. The text on the card was, 'when you are at the end of your rope tie a not.' When I saw that I knew instinctively that it still wouldn't be easy to hold on. It would still take work. And it made me think of my gymn teachers words, 'just get past the shakes.'

That is a prayer worth having. Help me to get past the shakes. Don't let the weight of the situation pull me down.

It is a prayer I have now. My current struggles are up and down like many people. I can fluctuate between the highs and the lows. But how do I do when I am struggling? Past patterns and habbits can creep in fast. 'You should be... doing, feeling, being....' self doubt, etc. The cognitive thinking counseling I recieved 4 years ago helps I can remember to call it the 'tyranny of the shoulds' and fight it. But sometimes I find it hard to feel like I can endure. I am not sure if I am at the shakes in those moments or not...all I know is how I feel then so I have to remind myself of the goal and tap into the memory of why trying to hear the call, Hang in there. You can do it. just get past the shakes.

This is the day which the Lord hath made

I wrote this a year ago. Maybe there is worth putting it up now.

Psalms 118:24

I have loved the scripture for years. It is kind of a rallying call for myself to recognize God's hand in each day and hold to a positive attitude.

My husband was a bit discouraged this morning. We were supposed to work on our renovation of the living room in our new house. He got up, as planned, to put our oldest on the bus to school. I have caught the cold that the girls had and needed to sleep a bit longer. Then he went shopping for milk, bread, eggs. He took two kids while I fed the baby, ate breakfast, and showered. When he got home there was little time left to work and he couldn't find the measuring tape. We have to have it to measure how high the wall is. Since it is an old house it isn't the same even along the length of one piece of sheet rock so we have to measure and cut each piece differently.

My husband suggested we all kneel for a family prayer. I remembered this scripture and felt to pray for help to recognize the Lord's hand today, even with the things that weren't going right. In the prayer I explained the things that were hard for us right then and how it would be easy to be upset and asked for help to enjoy the day he has given us. My husband thanked me for the prayer and said that was just what he needed. I needed that prayer just as much as him. A couple of poopu diapers, starting the laundry and trying to start the fire in the wood burning water heater took up the rest of the time we had. As he was soon gettting ready to head out the door I became sad. My throat still hurt, but the sun was shining! After a few days of windy rain overcast weather I wanted to go work out in the yard. We still needed to mow half our property. And I want to pick the apples before they all become windfall. And I really want to get rid of some seed weeds before it spreads and prune the pit trees (that is what I would like to work on most but then I need clippers. and I can't find the ones I had in our kitchen in our apartment.) How can these things get done even with the sun since it is windy! 2 of the kids are sick! After he left I finally got past myself and started to work. I decided to forget about the stove till tonight. We have enough hot water for the day, and I don't want to spend as much time with it today. I will just fill more frustrated and dumb. (I thought I had it figured out and was getting it going with one match last week... now I find I am trying 4 and 5 times before it finally stays after I have left it.)