May 2009 Just prior to and just after my leg operation

I found a random notebook in my unpacking/organizing today. I felt it was worthwhile to enter for I think it was some of my very first inklings to this blog. The operation was a Monday morning.

"A story," she said,
"Everyone has one."
What is mine?

My thoughts fly as I ponder. Mine is all paradox. I never thought myself significant but I wasn't content with following the crowd. In crafts and the arts I tried to find a way to make it my own yet I always wanted to get the perfect grade.
I was small but determined. Reserved but bold. When I sang I sang out but in everyday I tried not to stand out.
I have always had a deep love for my family but was often hurt the most by things they said. While never really/rarely alone I retreated to my imagination. On one hand I was afraid - mostly of failure - but I often tried anyway. I didn't hand my friendships to anyone, but when I did it was complete.
These thoughts bring many examples to my mind. Many chapters to my story. Why does it matter? Because they are what make me me!
The foundation of my story is my faith; my belief; my core values. These encompass all my decisions, motivations and dreams.
It is how I live!
Tomorrow I will have a tumor taken out of my left leg. It sounds worse than it is. I think that is why the doctors usually call it a muscle knot in Swedish. But when I say that in English it just sounds like a tight muscle that needs to relax. Which it isn't. It's been there...... well I noticed it at least 5 months ago. They say it isn't a cancer that will spread but it looks like it might grow. Somewhere in the grey area between benign and malignant. Not exactly either. When it's out they will thoroughly study it and let me know what it was. For now I know it will come out with a margin. They don't want to leave any of the tumor cells behind. This to prevent possibilities of recurrence. I recieved a blessing today from Daniel and Brother De Souza. I was promised healing and strength to endure what i needed to to recover well and do those things I had planned on doing this summer i.e. visit my family healthily with energy.

After the blessing Brother De Souza asked how I was so calm. It's my faith. And my patriarchal blessing instills that faith. I know God's mission for me isn't over and I have been promised healing through faith. I can answer as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. I trust God will deliver me. But even if not I will continue and trust Him and His plan for me.
[handwriting is getting sloppier and fainter at times hard to decipher]
I have had my 2nd antibacterial shower. So now........... I'm waiting. Soon they will get me. I just read the rest of 1 Nehpi 15. But it is hard to focus. Mostly I am tired. I was given a tablet that will help against pain after the operation but it is probably already having effect.
So now I turn to my memorized verses Philippians 4:13 D&C 6:36 etc. And the covenants made in the temple.
"Look unto me in every thought. Doubt not; fear not." D&C 6:36

Peace.

[some time post operation]
I'm still at the hospital. I have low blood pressure its been 90/60 today. I think that is why I was so faint 1st time I got up to go to the bathroom. It really discouraged me then. But since then I haven't been so faint. Nausea comes in waves. So I now have some little marie kex crackers to eat in bits so that I stave the nausea. I think I'll go home tomorrow.
[getting sloppy and wispy again]
I am tired again. So I think I'll sleep. It is bedtime. :) 9:50pm.
It was sweet to say good night to the kids. I love my family.

It's Wednesday. I still don't know when I'm going home for sure. The doctor will come check things out after 12:00 then I'll know. I'm glad I've stayed and rested but now I want to go home. So I hope I can. Cindy leaves Friday. I want to see her some before she goes. I miss my kids and I miss Daniel. Not the work or the messes or the crying. There is always good and bad so I focus on the good. I got to rest here. I will get to be with my family there.