Today I made a new friend. We met once before and decided we wanted to get together. Two days ago she called. She had lost my number. I had it in the back of my mind that I would contact her sometime. I really wanted to. But my aversion to making phone calls seems to have won. I was very happy she called. It was a very good day. She came and was here for about 3 hours. Tomorrow we will take our whole family to their place to have dinner. I think it will be good for both our families. Although she married a native to our Island and has had a better ´in´ with the locals than we, she is Canadian and that culture is much closer to American culture. (mostly the same, just national pride destinguished us.) So she has some of the similar struggles and adjustments. Anyway, I think that we are both grateful for another friend who lives near. 10 minute drive. yes.

I had a mother group that I would meet with somewhat regularly but it is peatering out. I miss meeting with them but they all go to work and while we developed a friendship it never got much beyond the group meetings. Is it Sweden? Is it me? Is it the work\life schedule they live? I don't know. But having a church family move to the island and now this, are big blessings in my book. I miss the ability I had to just drop in on friends in the states. Life is busy and crazy but.... I am not good at scheduling things 2 weeks in advance. There is a part of me that is still afraid of being able to keep those comittments. For several years I really avoided making any promises. I have been trying to work myself back up to it, but with a couple of things recently I realize that I am still struggling. Maybe it is a little worse with the pregnancy hormones involved. I struggle more wanting to get up and I have to take naps again. Motivation to do things is waning. But I am still doing much better than the first three kids.

Yes. Number 5 is on the way. It is exciting and when I let myself think that way, daunting. But I know that it is the right time. With the Lord on our side I don't need to give in to fears. I still struggle with some things. I have my moments when I don't want the kids to touch me. But I can see the difference... or feel it. I often feel such great love as I hold or hug my children. The feelings are what I used to know I should have and longed for but didn't have so regularly.

My last baby's birth was at a significant time for me. Her mortal life was beginning as my mother's was rapidly ending. I had many spiritual insights during the couple weeks they were both alive. I felt imense love from my Heavenly Father and from my mother. Because of distance and needing passports etc. for the new baby, we didn't get to go see mom before she died. But I knew of my moms love for the little babies and I kissed and hugged my baby extra for my mom. In the process I developed the deeper love like my mother has, for these precious babies so recent from heaven. As my baby has grown I have loved the hugging and kissing and holding in a new depth. My emotional health helped me to feel more of that for all my children. But for the first time ever I was baby hungry. It is weird to have a baby and have my heart longing for another. Every time we would see the newborns I felt a yearning. Knowing my own struggles with depression I knew I couldn't consider it until much further down the road. So I suppressed it as well as I could. I was also afraid of my ability to take on another child.... practically speaking. So things had to settle. That attitude that it wasn't good for me and the family took hold. It took a while of promptings and impressions before I started looking at it more seriously. One thing was the planning of our US trip (which was moved up since my dad got married again in January.) All the sudded the possible timetable was adjusted! Then little things like, a thought, everyone in the family was talking about our next baby almost immediately after the last one. But we knew it wasn't time. But it had been a long time since any of the kids had said anything. So I thought. Maybe It will be a sign if one of them mentions it. Same day. My oldest says when we have two more kids we will have to get a new car. I hurried out of the situation. Was it my sign?
My dear sister-in-law helped me realized and overcome the obstacles that were hindering me from listening. She longs to be a mother. She can't. There isn't anything they can do about it. She was the last person in the world I wanted to burden with my ponderings. But I think the Lord knew that she would help me and hopefully it is a blessing for her as well that we had the conversation.
Anyway here we are. Number five on the way. Imperfect parents. Very imperfect physical home. But we have love and faith. I have the modern blessing of my depression medicine to help me do this successfully too. Blessings. Recognizing all God has given me and obtaining priesthood blessings as needed are lifelines. Another is sleep. So I will head that way. :)

reading past journal entries

I felt like I should get my mission journals when we went to the states last time. I thought I was getting them to share my mission with my children. I think I was but I am also learning a lot. I start reading and can hardly put them down. Some of the people mentioned I don't remember. I do remember those we worked a lot with. I remember my emotions, desires and struggles. This has brought our a mix of feelings as I reflect on who I was and am. I am much the same person. I am still deeply committed to the gosple. I still want to serve the Lord my whole life. Having already married, I am not afraid of marriage as I was then. Now I am increadibly grateful for the wonderful husband I have. I reflect on how tired I was then. Even my husband commented on how often I wrote, 'I am so tired'. I really was. I also was sick alot. I think I correctly assesed that alot of the tiredness was still from the time I was so afraid to go to sleep that I wouldn't lay down until I knew I would fall directly asleep. I had a huge sleep deficit and my body was definately effected. I look back on the time it has taken me to build my health back up. It never would have gotten to were I am without my depression diagnosis and the medicine that helped me be in a place where I can work on my thinking pattern. I went home from my mission deppressed. It took me several years, a spiritual experience the summer I got married, talking with my counselor and subsequent reflection to let go of the feeling that I had not been the missionarry I should have been. Now I can say maybe I wasn't the missionarry I wanted to be but I can also be more charitable and look at the whole picture. (like high standards from within and without, a companion who was majorly deppressed etc.) I know the Lord used me and as I read my journal entries I am very pleased with my desires and effort, but especially the love that I had for the people I associated with. Yes I made mistakes and did things at times that could have been changed for the better, but I had a pure heart. Pure desires. I know the Lord accepts that. I also feel that I am in a better place to be a mother because of my knowledge from my mission and the efforts there. I know I can have the same love, prayers and effort in helping my own children develope the testimonies that I tried to help others feel.
One of my favorite entries that I read recently explains how we were with a less active member. I asked her if we could help her. She said, How could you? You can't do anything. Then I responded. We can give love. She smiled and said yes, you can do that.
I don't know if she did ever become active. I have let my struggles with Russian and corresponding stop me from writing. But I know I did give her love and friendship, sisterhood service and a chance to serve. We arranged (after obraining approval from the mission president) to go there once a week and take a crotcheting lesson from her and deliver a spiritual message. I loved both parts of the arrangement. I came to care for her. I think of her often (especially when I crotchet!!) I pray for her and hope that she can find the Lord's love for her. Her name was Lybov. or Love.

speaking of love, I need to stop and give love to my children.
I am glad for my journies.