reading past journal entries

I felt like I should get my mission journals when we went to the states last time. I thought I was getting them to share my mission with my children. I think I was but I am also learning a lot. I start reading and can hardly put them down. Some of the people mentioned I don't remember. I do remember those we worked a lot with. I remember my emotions, desires and struggles. This has brought our a mix of feelings as I reflect on who I was and am. I am much the same person. I am still deeply committed to the gosple. I still want to serve the Lord my whole life. Having already married, I am not afraid of marriage as I was then. Now I am increadibly grateful for the wonderful husband I have. I reflect on how tired I was then. Even my husband commented on how often I wrote, 'I am so tired'. I really was. I also was sick alot. I think I correctly assesed that alot of the tiredness was still from the time I was so afraid to go to sleep that I wouldn't lay down until I knew I would fall directly asleep. I had a huge sleep deficit and my body was definately effected. I look back on the time it has taken me to build my health back up. It never would have gotten to were I am without my depression diagnosis and the medicine that helped me be in a place where I can work on my thinking pattern. I went home from my mission deppressed. It took me several years, a spiritual experience the summer I got married, talking with my counselor and subsequent reflection to let go of the feeling that I had not been the missionarry I should have been. Now I can say maybe I wasn't the missionarry I wanted to be but I can also be more charitable and look at the whole picture. (like high standards from within and without, a companion who was majorly deppressed etc.) I know the Lord used me and as I read my journal entries I am very pleased with my desires and effort, but especially the love that I had for the people I associated with. Yes I made mistakes and did things at times that could have been changed for the better, but I had a pure heart. Pure desires. I know the Lord accepts that. I also feel that I am in a better place to be a mother because of my knowledge from my mission and the efforts there. I know I can have the same love, prayers and effort in helping my own children develope the testimonies that I tried to help others feel.
One of my favorite entries that I read recently explains how we were with a less active member. I asked her if we could help her. She said, How could you? You can't do anything. Then I responded. We can give love. She smiled and said yes, you can do that.
I don't know if she did ever become active. I have let my struggles with Russian and corresponding stop me from writing. But I know I did give her love and friendship, sisterhood service and a chance to serve. We arranged (after obraining approval from the mission president) to go there once a week and take a crotcheting lesson from her and deliver a spiritual message. I loved both parts of the arrangement. I came to care for her. I think of her often (especially when I crotchet!!) I pray for her and hope that she can find the Lord's love for her. Her name was Lybov. or Love.

speaking of love, I need to stop and give love to my children.
I am glad for my journies.