I just read a blog of my sisters. She wrote a letter to mom. At the end she says, "thank you for throwing advice to the wind and having all 13 of us."
It was a beautiful letter that covered a range of feelings that I can relate to. This evening I feel... like my emotions are fighting with each other and trying to cancel each other out. It is good to sometimes think through things instead of just pushing them under and trying to go to sleep. Sleep is something that I am sure will come tonight. I am tired. I am sick. The whole family is sick. Apparently we caught it at the same time as the relatives while over for Christmas. Everyone has been down, there and at least four other locations (everyone is back home now) with the same awful aches and fevers and coughing.
I got a blessing this morning. I was told that if I used my faith I could be healed and go forward. The Lord has more for me.
I felt inside... Do I really want to utelize the faith and go forward? Do I want the more? My sweatheart went to church to take care of some matters only he as the branch president could and should do... in the short time we have before a trip to be with my family. He took the one child who was furthest along on the healing journey.
If one only looks at things pragmatically, he should have stayed home. He came home shivering, and totally out of strength. I stayed home with the three others. I got to lay in bed until right before he left. Sleeping most the time. His letting me sleep so much the last couple of days is how I have survived. My throat hurts even now. I sit here at the computer typing as I sip hot herbal tea. After he got home I put him to bed with the sickest child and took the rest down stairs. We watched seminary videos and took it easy. Later I woke them to get them to eat something and tried to get the other kids to eat something. No one has much of an appetite. The baby wants to start nursing again and is refusing a bottle. Anyway, after they all ate a little something then we gathered for scriptures and prayers.
Daniel and I wanted to just lay and read together. He thought he might be up to reading. (we read for our new years celebration since no one had energy and kids slept a lot.) My throat can't handle much reading or talking. So as is our tradition before a date (and reading together is our most frequent date), we said a prayer. In the prayer Daniel said something that brought a sarcastic laugh out of me.... After the prayer, in the brief moment of explaining why I laughed like I did, I also realized that we wouldn't be reading then. The kids had other ideas. Minutes.
They each get 10 minutes each night with a parent. one on one. It is very important to them and when we are on schedule a huge blessing for each of us. Sometimes.... often we get off schedule and are tired and it is late and we don't feel up to the exertion. Sometimes we bargain with them and get them to do their minutes together. If we were all out as a family and get home late we sometimes even refuse the minutes. (like getting home from the ferry at midnight. Sorry it doesn't work.) But it is precious time that in the end what we do during the minutes, they decide. So realizing we were in pleanty of time to do the minutes just dog tired and sick... Well if Daniel can read with me, he can read with them. He needs to lay. So do most of them.
So why did I laugh? Daniel recieved a blessing at church as well. He was told similar words that the Lord had more for him. In the prayer with me Daniel mentioned these promised blessings and said we wanted them. Hearing my kids around me and feeling how I felt at least part of what more was and wasn't sure I wanted it. I told him afterward pointing to our children some lying others regaining their boundless energy, "I am not sure I want more."
I have been struggling a lot lately with that feeling of wanting and not wanting more. I have heard pleanty of people unknowingly echo each other that I have my hands full with very energetic and determined children, and that I better wait to have more children (as I have expressed that to be my desire). I feel the longing and the nudgings more and more. And I also see how absurd it would seem to anyone that I would consider having another. We already have begun working with professionals to help one of our children and I fear the others may have similar needs. I feel overwhelmed a lot. But lots of things happened this last week that I am finally willing to admit that yes it is time. However, with down times like this I feel and wonder, how? Do I really want to ask for more. Yep. People will think I am crazy. Maybe the kids will make me crazy. But I know that it is time. Even as I write this. I want to say. You don't really know that. But I can't. I know.
It has come up between us a few different times and we talk and pray and wait. Last we said is we won't decide until after our US trip. Takes the pressure off a little. but the feelings kept coming to both of us. One day I thought, "well the kids haven't brought up another child for a long time. Maybe I should really consider it next time one of them brings it up." kind of like a sign? Well that night as I was leaving his room and about to shut his door, my oldest said to me, "When we have two more kids we will have to get a bigger car." It really caught me off guard. "Your right, when we do have two more kids we won't fit in our car. Good night. I love you." And I hurried out of there. Was it a sign? I pondered that question for quite a while.
Over the hollidays I became frustrated with my children and the sleeping situation and difficulty to put them to bed when they can hear everyone who is still up. I bailed out on Daniel and sat at the table just resting my head in my hands. A sweat sister in law started gently rubbing my back. The tears started and I had to leave the openness of the kitchen. She led me to their room and let me talk about everything. It came to this question. I didn't want to talk about it with her. They can't have kids. They long for children. And can't. They are trying to get things in order for an adoption. Family and friends are helping them raise money. But their are road blocks. She hopes that the child won't be older than my youngest currently is when they do get to finally adopt. But chances are slim. Here I am, able to, feeling a longing for another baby and yet fighting within myself because of the related difficulties and also knowing what the world will think. I thought of her, how she would long for a baby and probably as many as came if she could. Part of me wished I could help her even more than the occasional financial deposits. It even crossed my mind maybe I should have a child for her. But I could never do that. One of our children born in our covenant marriage... no. It doesn't seem right.
But how could I tell her that I am fighting myself cause I don't want to have another child. I don't want a pregnancy, the healing and one more kid added to my already inabilaty to stay on top of things. Yes I love the tiny baby. In a way I never did before. This last time I felt very close to heaven through it. I learned much of the circle of life. My mother's life was ending as a new body was developing inside of me. After the baby was born. I cherished her doubly. Once for me, and once for my mom who would never get to snuggle the warmth of this little baby. That cherishing that my mother had for the little babies has stayed with me since then. I long for the little babies. I never longed for them before. It is different. But I knew it wasn't time. But now, I don't have that, it isn't time. So the different emotions conflict.
But she, my sister in law was there. She listened. We cried together. She echoed many others in saying big gaps can be good. She and her brother are a big gap. Then I told her how we keep feeling maybe... more and more and I finished with my thoughts before and the conversation about needing a new car. She imediately changed her refrence point and said, "It sounds like you know." And I did. She has such faith. Can I have that faith?
Since then every mess. Every tired feeling. Every moment of exasperation. The laundry, dishes, arguing, etc. seem to testify that the world is right. I would be crazy to have another child. The sickness was a testimony that I can't take care of them. Its what I am and am not doing that led us to be sick again. (Right?)
There are other moments that remind me of the eternal blessings, but they seem so few in comparisson. Well little ones come. Like, no offense to the rest of the family, I was grateful to learn they have all been really sick too. It isn't me being a bad mom and housekeeper that let us be sick. Now I know this. I was still having the battle of emotions and I read my sisters blog. In fact I read her last two entries. I learned alot about my emotions. Now as I have been typing, sipping more hot herbal tea, things are cleared. It won't be the first time the world thinks I am doing something crazy that was in reality the exaclty right thing to do. Now that I understand that.... I need to hold to it. The sure knowledge of walking the Lord's path for me and my family can carry me through the trials that are ahead.
Now instead of fighting inside myself, I can go forward. I can focus my energy and faith in the right direction. There is more for us. Part of that includes at least one more child. If it is a boy, we will call him Adam. We have been talking about Adam since before Rebekah was born. And in the meantime I can echo my sister, "Thank you mom for throwing advice to the wind and having all 13 of us." Adding to that I pray that I can have the faith and help I need to raise the children the Lord wishes to send me. I pray for my sister in law. I will continue to try to find ways to help them emotionally and financially.
I don't understand the ways of the Lord. But I trust Him. I know He loves his children. As another sister pointed out, her 'birthday scripture' says, "And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children: nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." -1 Nephi 11:17
More.
It was a beautiful letter that covered a range of feelings that I can relate to. This evening I feel... like my emotions are fighting with each other and trying to cancel each other out. It is good to sometimes think through things instead of just pushing them under and trying to go to sleep. Sleep is something that I am sure will come tonight. I am tired. I am sick. The whole family is sick. Apparently we caught it at the same time as the relatives while over for Christmas. Everyone has been down, there and at least four other locations (everyone is back home now) with the same awful aches and fevers and coughing.
I got a blessing this morning. I was told that if I used my faith I could be healed and go forward. The Lord has more for me.
I felt inside... Do I really want to utelize the faith and go forward? Do I want the more? My sweatheart went to church to take care of some matters only he as the branch president could and should do... in the short time we have before a trip to be with my family. He took the one child who was furthest along on the healing journey.
If one only looks at things pragmatically, he should have stayed home. He came home shivering, and totally out of strength. I stayed home with the three others. I got to lay in bed until right before he left. Sleeping most the time. His letting me sleep so much the last couple of days is how I have survived. My throat hurts even now. I sit here at the computer typing as I sip hot herbal tea. After he got home I put him to bed with the sickest child and took the rest down stairs. We watched seminary videos and took it easy. Later I woke them to get them to eat something and tried to get the other kids to eat something. No one has much of an appetite. The baby wants to start nursing again and is refusing a bottle. Anyway, after they all ate a little something then we gathered for scriptures and prayers.
Daniel and I wanted to just lay and read together. He thought he might be up to reading. (we read for our new years celebration since no one had energy and kids slept a lot.) My throat can't handle much reading or talking. So as is our tradition before a date (and reading together is our most frequent date), we said a prayer. In the prayer Daniel said something that brought a sarcastic laugh out of me.... After the prayer, in the brief moment of explaining why I laughed like I did, I also realized that we wouldn't be reading then. The kids had other ideas. Minutes.
They each get 10 minutes each night with a parent. one on one. It is very important to them and when we are on schedule a huge blessing for each of us. Sometimes.... often we get off schedule and are tired and it is late and we don't feel up to the exertion. Sometimes we bargain with them and get them to do their minutes together. If we were all out as a family and get home late we sometimes even refuse the minutes. (like getting home from the ferry at midnight. Sorry it doesn't work.) But it is precious time that in the end what we do during the minutes, they decide. So realizing we were in pleanty of time to do the minutes just dog tired and sick... Well if Daniel can read with me, he can read with them. He needs to lay. So do most of them.
So why did I laugh? Daniel recieved a blessing at church as well. He was told similar words that the Lord had more for him. In the prayer with me Daniel mentioned these promised blessings and said we wanted them. Hearing my kids around me and feeling how I felt at least part of what more was and wasn't sure I wanted it. I told him afterward pointing to our children some lying others regaining their boundless energy, "I am not sure I want more."
I have been struggling a lot lately with that feeling of wanting and not wanting more. I have heard pleanty of people unknowingly echo each other that I have my hands full with very energetic and determined children, and that I better wait to have more children (as I have expressed that to be my desire). I feel the longing and the nudgings more and more. And I also see how absurd it would seem to anyone that I would consider having another. We already have begun working with professionals to help one of our children and I fear the others may have similar needs. I feel overwhelmed a lot. But lots of things happened this last week that I am finally willing to admit that yes it is time. However, with down times like this I feel and wonder, how? Do I really want to ask for more. Yep. People will think I am crazy. Maybe the kids will make me crazy. But I know that it is time. Even as I write this. I want to say. You don't really know that. But I can't. I know.
It has come up between us a few different times and we talk and pray and wait. Last we said is we won't decide until after our US trip. Takes the pressure off a little. but the feelings kept coming to both of us. One day I thought, "well the kids haven't brought up another child for a long time. Maybe I should really consider it next time one of them brings it up." kind of like a sign? Well that night as I was leaving his room and about to shut his door, my oldest said to me, "When we have two more kids we will have to get a bigger car." It really caught me off guard. "Your right, when we do have two more kids we won't fit in our car. Good night. I love you." And I hurried out of there. Was it a sign? I pondered that question for quite a while.
Over the hollidays I became frustrated with my children and the sleeping situation and difficulty to put them to bed when they can hear everyone who is still up. I bailed out on Daniel and sat at the table just resting my head in my hands. A sweat sister in law started gently rubbing my back. The tears started and I had to leave the openness of the kitchen. She led me to their room and let me talk about everything. It came to this question. I didn't want to talk about it with her. They can't have kids. They long for children. And can't. They are trying to get things in order for an adoption. Family and friends are helping them raise money. But their are road blocks. She hopes that the child won't be older than my youngest currently is when they do get to finally adopt. But chances are slim. Here I am, able to, feeling a longing for another baby and yet fighting within myself because of the related difficulties and also knowing what the world will think. I thought of her, how she would long for a baby and probably as many as came if she could. Part of me wished I could help her even more than the occasional financial deposits. It even crossed my mind maybe I should have a child for her. But I could never do that. One of our children born in our covenant marriage... no. It doesn't seem right.
But how could I tell her that I am fighting myself cause I don't want to have another child. I don't want a pregnancy, the healing and one more kid added to my already inabilaty to stay on top of things. Yes I love the tiny baby. In a way I never did before. This last time I felt very close to heaven through it. I learned much of the circle of life. My mother's life was ending as a new body was developing inside of me. After the baby was born. I cherished her doubly. Once for me, and once for my mom who would never get to snuggle the warmth of this little baby. That cherishing that my mother had for the little babies has stayed with me since then. I long for the little babies. I never longed for them before. It is different. But I knew it wasn't time. But now, I don't have that, it isn't time. So the different emotions conflict.
But she, my sister in law was there. She listened. We cried together. She echoed many others in saying big gaps can be good. She and her brother are a big gap. Then I told her how we keep feeling maybe... more and more and I finished with my thoughts before and the conversation about needing a new car. She imediately changed her refrence point and said, "It sounds like you know." And I did. She has such faith. Can I have that faith?
Since then every mess. Every tired feeling. Every moment of exasperation. The laundry, dishes, arguing, etc. seem to testify that the world is right. I would be crazy to have another child. The sickness was a testimony that I can't take care of them. Its what I am and am not doing that led us to be sick again. (Right?)
There are other moments that remind me of the eternal blessings, but they seem so few in comparisson. Well little ones come. Like, no offense to the rest of the family, I was grateful to learn they have all been really sick too. It isn't me being a bad mom and housekeeper that let us be sick. Now I know this. I was still having the battle of emotions and I read my sisters blog. In fact I read her last two entries. I learned alot about my emotions. Now as I have been typing, sipping more hot herbal tea, things are cleared. It won't be the first time the world thinks I am doing something crazy that was in reality the exaclty right thing to do. Now that I understand that.... I need to hold to it. The sure knowledge of walking the Lord's path for me and my family can carry me through the trials that are ahead.
Now instead of fighting inside myself, I can go forward. I can focus my energy and faith in the right direction. There is more for us. Part of that includes at least one more child. If it is a boy, we will call him Adam. We have been talking about Adam since before Rebekah was born. And in the meantime I can echo my sister, "Thank you mom for throwing advice to the wind and having all 13 of us." Adding to that I pray that I can have the faith and help I need to raise the children the Lord wishes to send me. I pray for my sister in law. I will continue to try to find ways to help them emotionally and financially.
I don't understand the ways of the Lord. But I trust Him. I know He loves his children. As another sister pointed out, her 'birthday scripture' says, "And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children: nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." -1 Nephi 11:17
More.
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