My heartstrings

Today I went to a support group for pancreatic cancer patients and their families. My mom has the cancer. I am visiting her for a months time. I am glad that I went. I realize that I need to have a place where it is ok to share my thoughts. I am strong. But I am only as strong as I am honest with myself.

One can't hold it all in. And even if one trusts God and His will, as I feel I do, one needs releases. I need to let out my thoughts.

I have been really blessed in my month's visit here. My mom has probably been at her best since her back pain sent her in the round of specialist visits that led to her diagnosis. At times, even with the prognosis always coming back squelching the little hopes we have, I have felt, she is going to be around for a few years yet.

Without despairing and without losing faith and hope, I am seeing that this may not be the case. When I go back home next week, it may be the last time I say goodbye to my mom in this life. Her pain is mounting and she is still vacillating between the treatment options before her. It is terminal, no hope for an operation nor remission without a complete miracle. I believe miracles are possible, but I also know God has a master plan that is best even if it isn't exactly what we want. It doesn't seem His will is the miracle this time.

How am I going to feel when I get on the plane next Tuesday? I hope I can cry. I don't think I cry enough these days. When it does come it feels good. But then others don't know what to do about it and it is cut short when it should run freely. It is release to cry. I know I have my mom for eternity. That is peace. But I still grieve. I know angels are often with us. I have been told they are round in blessings many times. I haven't felt them. But I believe the promises.

When I told my mom I was going to come and visit her, she asked me,
"How are you going to feel if you come out here and I die anyway and you have to come back for a funeral?" "Mom," I told her over the phone, "I won't be able to come back for the funeral. I am choosing to come now while you are alive." Then I added, "I hope that is ok with you." In her silence I knew that it was.

I told her that I supported her. There are two wills involved here. Her's and God's. What is His plan for her, and what is she willing to go through. The conventional treatments all have side effects and prospects of not much gained with a lot of suffering really scares her at times. I told her then that I would support her decision. In talking I asked her what she wanted. She said the miracle if she could have it. She was given a blessing which indicated that the Lord would bless her, but chemo was important. So we talked and I said, well with the blessing and your desire for healing it sounds like you need to do the chemo through to the next scan and then pray that the Lord will help you know where to go after you have the results.

She did. But I got here in the month of no chemo. Just after the next scan result was back. The cancer in the pancreas had shrunk. We had all been praying that it would shrink. Our prayers of faith where answered even though medically they were really just trying to keep the cancer from spreading and didn't really hope it would shrink. If it didn't grow they would hit it with chemo and radiation. That is where they expected the shrinking to happen so they could consider an operation. So there was now hope for an operation in that regard. Except... wait the lymph node in her back had grown. That is probably the source of the back pain they now said. Was it pancreatic? or was it another cancer? I wondered, why didn't we know about this so that we could pray for it to shrink to? Our faith could have been applied there. Now crazily enough we prayed for two kinds of cancer. They would treat lymphoma, but then could still operate on the pancreas.

Except, I struggled with this prayer. I knew my mom really didn't want that operation anyways. She was terrified by it. The prospects for those undergoing the operation where pretty grim too. But as long as there was a hope the doctors would follow its lead. I wondered if the Lord would "bless" her to have the operation when she didn't really want it. In addition I was told in a blessing that the Lord had answered my prayers of faith for my mom in the shrinking. Where before my blessing had said to be diligent in my prayers of faith for my mom, now I was told to focus my faith on my family our needs, the baby in my womb and other areas of my life. Was this the Lord telling me she won't get a remission?

She was sent in for a PET scan. I wasn't surprised when the specialist at the Huntsman Cancer Center in Salt Lake City said it isn't worth doing the grueling operation for the lack of hope at life extention. Its a lot of suffering for removing the cancer from one spot when it is already in the lymphs, following the right metastasis patterns from the pancreas. That means it has access to her whole body now. They can't stop that with the operation. Also they now have concern spots with her lung. That to me is the most concerning.

I hate to see my mom in pain. She has more and more of it the last several days. Before I kept hoping I would come back and see her again in this life. That my boys would see her again. My husband. Only my youngest came with me. But watching the climb of pain this last week I know that something has to change, or that won't be. But what? She has never tolerated pain medicine well. Since the doctor's don't have hope for remission they are totally laying it in her hands. She never liked the chemo and was sick from it. Pain medicine makes her feel like her"head is on a platter" separated at arms length from her body. She hates the pain and wants to be free from it, but hates what all the conventional treatments have to offer as side effects. She is vacillating between her options and the pain is mounting.

I have to remind myself what I said. It is her choice and I will support her. I just hate to see her hurting. I wish she would give the pain treatments a longer chance before pulling herself off them. But She chooses that over losing her sense of her mind's hold on the world.

I am blessed that I was here for this good month. I am blessed that my whole family was here last summer for the good memories that where created before her pain started.

Back before I came, I told my mom that if she did die, I would claim her for my angel and my children's angel. It is my comfort. She may never see the first house I own in this mortal life, she may not see this next baby in mortality, nor be there when next we can afford to visit, but.... She will be involved in her family's life. She will know what is going on in our lives and at appropriate times she will be with us. Not just us. My sister still in High School, my brother just heading to college, my dad, the rest of the siblings and their families. She will be with us just as her mom and my dad's mom have been involved with my parents and us since their parting.

I also take comfort in the fact that while I won't be able to afford to come to any of the weddings of my siblings this summer, I think she will be around for them still. It is so close and I think it will mean so much to them that she was there. There are two and possible three this summer. She was just able to go to a sealing for my brother and his wife and daughter. Lucky for me I was there too! But she will be there for a few more. We are a large family. We have a lot of love. This love and our testimonies are our strength. Mom and Dad instilled faith in us. Their faith is strong. Their were married in the temple and we are all sealed together.

I may be a homebody, but I have been able to follow the Lord's beckon to me and my little family to move abroad because of my faith. I know we are an eternal family and no good bye is eternal. This is how I can say goodbye each time I separate from my family after a visit. I will see them again. I will hug them again.

I will see my mom again, I will hug her again. For a few more days I will have physical interaction. Then for an unknown time it will be telephone and internet. Later there may be a veil separating us, but we are still family. She will be our angel. When all our life missions are over we will have a joyous reunion our entire family circle. Mortal and immortal, God gave us to each other. Our family is eternal. In Swedish, common parting words are "Vi ses" literally meaning "we will see each other." There are no real goodbyes.

I thank the Lord for His marvelous blessings to me.
Vi ses