Have you ever had one of those dreams?
I am trying to get away from something or I am trying run to do something important to me but my legs seem to be weighed down with heavy weights. Each step is given a monumental effort, all my energy goes into it, yet I progress only a baby step if I manage to move at all. I try and try but can't progress fast enough to achieve what I need.
I have. Often. That is I used too. Luckily they haven't come for a long time. I think it is directly related to my emotional health. When I am down and struggling, the dream typifies how I feel about life. To an observer it probably looks like I am just taking those baby steps. But for me, I feel like I am putting in all I have to put into it, and still I am not getting anywhere.
I had those dreams before I ever had a pregnancy, but I think I couldn't move at all back then. When I have been pregnant in the second half of the pregnancy I have a lot of cramping and tension in my lower abdomen. I literally can not go fast. It is agonizing at times for a former long distance runner to slowly walk at a grandfather pace. When I ran I wouldn't let myself stop, if I had to I could slow down, but not stop. As a mother carrying a baby in the womb, I had to stop. There were times that I felt were so urgent that I pushed my self a little faster or wouldn't stop.... The next day I would have an intense amount of cramping and braxton hicks contractions. I would be down for a day or two. Lucky for me, I was never really bed ridden. I was lucky to be able to listen to my body. I was as active as I could.
I think my body's abilities when I am pregnant and the discouragement from that combined to strengthen the depression and increased dreams like that.
During my first pregnancy my sister told me something that has helped. She said when you are pregnant you are climbing mountains ever day. That is a good analogy for me. I love hiking and being active outside. When I couldn't do much as a pregnant person I would remind myself what she said, "your body is building a baby. It takes a lot of energy and work for your body to build that baby. It is like yoi are climbing a mountain every day. Its ok to take it easy in the other things of life for now." I wasn't climbing a mountain but physically my body was working as hard as if I were.
Someone struggling with depression is emotionally trying to climb a mountain. At times the mountain is like Kilimanjaro in Africa. However the depressed individual often has no training and has no guide. They didn't sign up for the trip. Instead of 5-8 hours (if your amoung the fastest) or 5 -7 days on a tour, this mountain climb doesn't seem to have an end and it is missing out on most of the fabulous scenery. Some of us are loving to have a guide who we can trust step in and help us in our ascent. Other assistance can be found in medicine. Faith in the eternal perspective helps us to know it is worth not giving up. But it might still be snail pace and frequent apparent rests. We may slip and lose some of our altitude. But our guides, medicine, and faith can help us to notice some of the amazing scenery along the way.
I love the mountains. I love climbing them. It isn't always easy but it is peaceful to feel God's nature and love all around me. Right now I can say I love live. I don't love all of my mountains and especially not the pits. I would often rather avoid the intensity. But the sunset, or viewing the stars after the climb helps me remember each day and each baby step is worth the effort, whatever I have to give!
-orchid
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